IQ English Jokes

[IQ]

Old Relatives


When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...
it seemed that all of my aunts and the
grandmotherly types used to come up to me,
poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that shit after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.

[IQ]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ***!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[IQ]

Brought it on Yourself

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand
up?" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one
freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"
enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see
you standing up there all by yourself."

[IQ]

Men Vs Women

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
Bring beer.

[hashka]

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