Top Ten Stuff

[RoadRunner]

Backwoods High Tech

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.

[RoadRunner]

Top Ten Signs Your Teacher Is A Witch


10. Begins each day, "I pledge allegiance, to Satan -- crap, I mean the flag"

9. Instead of apples, kids place "eyes of newt" on her desk

8. On math tests, every word problem begins, "A broomstick travelling at 50 miles per hour"

7. During "Duck, duck, goose" one kid actually turned into a goose

6. When showing "The Wizard of Oz," refers to main character as "That bitch Dorothy"

5. She requires students to cover textbooks with "skin flayed from a hanged man"

4. She's the gym teacher (ops.. that's Top Ten Signs Your Teacher Is A Lesbian)

3. Some kid throws water on her, you get a substitute for the rest of the year

2. Voodoo doll plus pin equals class clown with giant pain in his ***

1. She smokes Salems

[RoadRunner]

loool @ 4

[Rasputin]

10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter


Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Nazanin]

loooooooooooool @ 1

[RoadRunner]

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy At A Bus Stop


10. "You know, if you show the driver some skin he lets you ride for free"

9. "If there aren't any seats you can sit on daddy's lap"

8. "I cannot control my bladder"

7. "Lemme guess -- Old Spice?"

6. "You think they're gonna make me pay an extra fare for Mr. Zippy?" (holds up puppet)

5. "You wanna trade pants?" (unbuttons pants)

4. "This is the first day mommy's let me ride the bus by myself"

3. "You believe I found this in the trash?" (eating a sandwich)

2. "Here bussy, bussy, bussy, bussy! Here bussy, bussy, bussy, bussy, bussy!"

1. "Tonight I celebrate my love for you"

[Nazanin]

@ 1

[RoadRunner]

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy In A Hotel


10. "The desk clerk is nuts, so whatever room number she gives you, add three."

9. "I wrote you a note about halfway through your roll of toilet paper."

8. "Meet me in the whirlpool in twenty minutes."

7. "If you want a bellhop, press '1' on your phone; If you want a hooker, press '2.'"

6. "Ring this bell again, I'll burn your luggage."

5. "Hey, could you go over to the Ramada and swipe us some towels?"

4. "You know, every room has a hair dryer -- How's that for ritzy?"

3. "Are you the bastard that took my gin out of the minibar?"

2. "Wanna see the pictures I took of you sleeping?"

1. "Do you mind sharing your room with a monkey?"

[Nazanin]

@ 6

[IQ]

looooooool

[RoadRunner]

Top Ten Signs Your Car Should Be Recalled


10. "Leaks brake fluid, transmission fluid and blood"

9. "It can only make left turns"

8. "Ambulances follow you around"

7. "It was rated a "Best Buy" by "Faulty Wiring Magazine""

6. "It has the same battery as your watch"

5. "Heater control is marked "Low," "High" and "Sars""

4. "Page 74 of the owners' manual advises: "Car is for display purposes only""

3. "Blue book value: $38.75"

2. "Seatbelts are made of delicious Taffy"

1. "Dealer promised engine would last as long as your marriage to Britney Spears"

[RoadRunner]

lol
no 1 rox too

[Nazanin]

loooooooool @ 5 & 3

[RoadRunner]

Top Ten Signs You Should Get A Divorce


10. For Valentine's Day he gives you a box of Pop Tarts and says, "If you need me, I'll be at Hooters."

9. The only thing you have in common is your hatred for one another.

8. You ask the guy at Hallmark where the "Controlling Bitch" section is.

7. You keep finding receipts for the guys she's hired to kill you.

6. You still haven't forgiven him for nailing that fat intern when he was a resident.

5. She brings a date to couples counselling.

4. You just married Liza Minnelli.

3. He won't shut up about how great his secretary is in bed.

2. You sleep in separate beds in separate bedrooms in separate houses in separate states.

1. Her pet nickname for you -- "Numb-nuts."

[Nazanin]

looooooooooooooool @ 4