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Be A Good Father
You already know that it takes a lot to be a good parent, but there are many ways in which you can be a good father in particular.
Consider your role as a father. What do you believe is supposed to be a father's role in raising children? How did you grow up perceiving fatherhood? The notions you were brought up with will subconsciously influence your approach to being a father. Some common perceptions--and misconceptions--of a father's role are:
The father provides for his children, and his responsibility ends there .
The father's role is to discipline, whereas the mother can be more lenient
A father should not give children too much affection and warmth .
A father shows support and love through actions, not words
Question your beliefs. Old-fashioned approaches to fatherhood may have worked in the past, but in an ever-changing world where children need all the guidance, reinforcement, and support they can get, do your beliefs hold water? Does the mother of your children agree with your views, or expect you to take on a more encompassing role?
Respect your children's mother. Do this whether you're divorced or married. Children will mimic their parent's behavior. How you treat their mother will affect how they assume women should be treated in the future. Also, in order to respect her authority, they need to see that you value her judgment.
Spend time with your children. Many fathers unintentionally neglect opportunities to spend time with their kids because they become preoccupied with work and other pursuits that they believe to benefit the child indirectly. However, remember that once the opportunity has passed, it's gone and you can't get it back.
A childhood is short, so make a child's time as a kid the best that it can be. You may feel tired and other concerns may be time-consuming, but do you want your children to remember you as a distant stranger in their lives? If you don't establish an intimacy with your children when they're young, it'll be all the more difficult to catch up when they're older, and when you really need them to respect your advice.
Earn the right to be heard. Fathers who only spend their talking time getting mad when the kid has done something wrong are neither communicating respect nor listening to their children. Fathers who function solely as disciplinarians are feared, not respected.
Children in this context are more likely to lie, sneak, and steal--they are not concerned with disapproval from someone they admire. Instead, they are more concerned with avoiding punishment (i.e. not getting caught). Shift from negative reinforcement to positive reinforcement. Reward good behavior and minimize the need for punishment.
Be a teacher by both word and example. Many fathers think that children will grow up and miraculously already know right from wrong. This isn't so. Children need to be taught right from wrong and will need to see it demonstrated by their father.
Make decisions in front of them and explain to them why you came to that resolution. Talk to them about choices you made in the past and why they did (or didn't) work out. Evaluate all of your own decisions by thinking: "What would I want my child to do in this situation?"
Show affection. Many men are uncomfortable with offering their children affection and communicating their love. If this is an issue, then deeply reconsider it, as advised above.
In particular, think about what your detachment and reclusion is communicating to your child, who doesn't know any better: That they are unlovable, that they have not met your standards, that they are not good enough.
These thoughts are at the root of lifelong insecurity that can eventually lead to a sense of resignation in life or unhealthy attempts to compensate for feelings of inadequacy.
Realize that a father's job is never done. Do not assume that once your children turn 18, or they have a college degree, that your part of the bargain has been fulfilled.
While you may want to encourage your children to become financially and emotionally independent, it will always be important to let them know that you care and that they are valued.
If you travel a lot and spend less time with your children, you have an obligation to set aside time to spend with them when you are at home and to fulfill promises that you have made to your children. You may feel tired, but that is not an excuse to brush off your children, who have waited for days and sometimes weeks to see you again.
Consider your role as a father. What do you believe is supposed to be a father's role in raising children? How did you grow up perceiving fatherhood? The notions you were brought up with will subconsciously influence your approach to being a father. Some common perceptions--and misconceptions--of a father's role are:
The father provides for his children, and his responsibility ends there .
The father's role is to discipline, whereas the mother can be more lenient
A father should not give children too much affection and warmth .
A father shows support and love through actions, not words
Question your beliefs. Old-fashioned approaches to fatherhood may have worked in the past, but in an ever-changing world where children need all the guidance, reinforcement, and support they can get, do your beliefs hold water? Does the mother of your children agree with your views, or expect you to take on a more encompassing role?
Respect your children's mother. Do this whether you're divorced or married. Children will mimic their parent's behavior. How you treat their mother will affect how they assume women should be treated in the future. Also, in order to respect her authority, they need to see that you value her judgment.
Spend time with your children. Many fathers unintentionally neglect opportunities to spend time with their kids because they become preoccupied with work and other pursuits that they believe to benefit the child indirectly. However, remember that once the opportunity has passed, it's gone and you can't get it back.
A childhood is short, so make a child's time as a kid the best that it can be. You may feel tired and other concerns may be time-consuming, but do you want your children to remember you as a distant stranger in their lives? If you don't establish an intimacy with your children when they're young, it'll be all the more difficult to catch up when they're older, and when you really need them to respect your advice.
Earn the right to be heard. Fathers who only spend their talking time getting mad when the kid has done something wrong are neither communicating respect nor listening to their children. Fathers who function solely as disciplinarians are feared, not respected.
Children in this context are more likely to lie, sneak, and steal--they are not concerned with disapproval from someone they admire. Instead, they are more concerned with avoiding punishment (i.e. not getting caught). Shift from negative reinforcement to positive reinforcement. Reward good behavior and minimize the need for punishment.
Be a teacher by both word and example. Many fathers think that children will grow up and miraculously already know right from wrong. This isn't so. Children need to be taught right from wrong and will need to see it demonstrated by their father.
Make decisions in front of them and explain to them why you came to that resolution. Talk to them about choices you made in the past and why they did (or didn't) work out. Evaluate all of your own decisions by thinking: "What would I want my child to do in this situation?"
Show affection. Many men are uncomfortable with offering their children affection and communicating their love. If this is an issue, then deeply reconsider it, as advised above.
In particular, think about what your detachment and reclusion is communicating to your child, who doesn't know any better: That they are unlovable, that they have not met your standards, that they are not good enough.
These thoughts are at the root of lifelong insecurity that can eventually lead to a sense of resignation in life or unhealthy attempts to compensate for feelings of inadequacy.
Realize that a father's job is never done. Do not assume that once your children turn 18, or they have a college degree, that your part of the bargain has been fulfilled.
While you may want to encourage your children to become financially and emotionally independent, it will always be important to let them know that you care and that they are valued.
If you travel a lot and spend less time with your children, you have an obligation to set aside time to spend with them when you are at home and to fulfill promises that you have made to your children. You may feel tired, but that is not an excuse to brush off your children, who have waited for days and sometimes weeks to see you again.
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