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How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work
It's hard enough to make relationships work--having miles, states, and sometimes even an ocean between you adds another layer of challenges. However, successful long distance relationships can and do exist. Here's how to give yours every chance to survive and thrive.
Steps
Ask the tough questions early, to make sure you're both clear on the parameters of the relationship. These can be difficult and awkward questions to ask, especially in the beginning of a relationship, but will save you great heartache and misunderstanding down the line.
Will you be seeing other people?
Will you tell each other about your other dates?
What if someone meets another person?
Are you open to the possibility of relocating if the relationship should become more serious?
Communicate in some way every day at least once, preferably more than once. Since you won't see each other, it's important to establish and maintain an emotional connection. These don't have to be long, in-depth conversations (though, those should occur sometimes). Tell each other about your little triumphs and tragedies. Ask for advice. Sing songs together. Have "racy" conversations late at night. E-mail is great, so make sure you use it, especially if long-distance phone calls put a strain on your budget. Write love letters. Send small gifts or flowers for no reason. In this case, quantity is as important as quality.
Take advantage of the benefits a long distance relationship offers: more time with friends and/or family, fewer arguments over toothpaste caps, the pleasure of seeing your sweetheart again after a long absence, time to mull your options (rather than snapping at your partner impulsively) before you respond to that email s/he wrote that seemed so rude the first time you read it, and the list goes on. Most importantly, being far apart gives you a chance to maintain your individuality--something that can get lost in the shuffle when couples spend all their free time together.
Pursue common interests, even if it means pursuing them apart. If there's a movie you're both interested in seeing, watch them individually and then call each other afterward and talk about it. Read a certain book at the same time. Stargaze while on you're on the phone. Set your watches to go off at the same time every day, and synchronize your alarm with that of your partner. Make it a point to think of each other when your watch goes off, and revel in the fact that he or she is thinking about you, too. Find creative ways to bond.
Avoid the temptation to try and control your partner. Understand that people have free will and no one can control another person. As long as you are both interested in being in a relationship, you will stick with it, and distance will not make a difference. As soon as one of you decides someone else is a better match, your relationship ends, whether you live 3000 miles apart, two streets over or share the same bed with your wedding picture on the wall. You're going to have to trust your partner, and trust him or her completely, if this relationship is going to work.
Talk about your future together. Assuming that ultimately, you'd want to live together, discussing how you're going to get to that point will help you prove to each other that the relationship is going somewhere and that your efforts and frustrations are not in vain.
Know when to say good-bye. While this is tough in any relationship, this can be especially hard over long distances. When communication becomes one-sided or sparse for too long and for no good reason, when arguments (yes, you'll have them) become too frequent, when the whole things just seems like more trouble than it's worth, it's time to re-evaluate the relationship with your partner. Either you'll decide to go your separate ways, or you'll get closer for having overcome another obstacle to your happiness together.
Tips
A long distance relationship is no different from a proximal relationship. They both require a great deal of work, excellent communication, patience, sacrifice and understanding.
Warnings
Long distance relationships are not for the faint of heart. They can be very trying, but so can proximal relationships. If you are a very needy or jealous person, recognize that these tendencies may not be compatible with any type of healthy relationship, but may make a long distance relationship nearly impossible to sustain. Also remember that only you and your long distance partner understand the nuances of your relationship.
Friends, family and colleagues may not understand your preoccupation with someone you have never met. Listen to their advice with a grain of salt unless they have been there themselves. The internet is young and no one really knows as yet how many lasting relationships are forged this way so do not let the naysayers get you down. Remember if the goal is a permanent partnership the goal is to eventually meet at some point so do not neglect or put it off for too long.
Steps
Ask the tough questions early, to make sure you're both clear on the parameters of the relationship. These can be difficult and awkward questions to ask, especially in the beginning of a relationship, but will save you great heartache and misunderstanding down the line.
Will you be seeing other people?
Will you tell each other about your other dates?
What if someone meets another person?
Are you open to the possibility of relocating if the relationship should become more serious?
Communicate in some way every day at least once, preferably more than once. Since you won't see each other, it's important to establish and maintain an emotional connection. These don't have to be long, in-depth conversations (though, those should occur sometimes). Tell each other about your little triumphs and tragedies. Ask for advice. Sing songs together. Have "racy" conversations late at night. E-mail is great, so make sure you use it, especially if long-distance phone calls put a strain on your budget. Write love letters. Send small gifts or flowers for no reason. In this case, quantity is as important as quality.
Take advantage of the benefits a long distance relationship offers: more time with friends and/or family, fewer arguments over toothpaste caps, the pleasure of seeing your sweetheart again after a long absence, time to mull your options (rather than snapping at your partner impulsively) before you respond to that email s/he wrote that seemed so rude the first time you read it, and the list goes on. Most importantly, being far apart gives you a chance to maintain your individuality--something that can get lost in the shuffle when couples spend all their free time together.
Pursue common interests, even if it means pursuing them apart. If there's a movie you're both interested in seeing, watch them individually and then call each other afterward and talk about it. Read a certain book at the same time. Stargaze while on you're on the phone. Set your watches to go off at the same time every day, and synchronize your alarm with that of your partner. Make it a point to think of each other when your watch goes off, and revel in the fact that he or she is thinking about you, too. Find creative ways to bond.
Avoid the temptation to try and control your partner. Understand that people have free will and no one can control another person. As long as you are both interested in being in a relationship, you will stick with it, and distance will not make a difference. As soon as one of you decides someone else is a better match, your relationship ends, whether you live 3000 miles apart, two streets over or share the same bed with your wedding picture on the wall. You're going to have to trust your partner, and trust him or her completely, if this relationship is going to work.
Talk about your future together. Assuming that ultimately, you'd want to live together, discussing how you're going to get to that point will help you prove to each other that the relationship is going somewhere and that your efforts and frustrations are not in vain.
Know when to say good-bye. While this is tough in any relationship, this can be especially hard over long distances. When communication becomes one-sided or sparse for too long and for no good reason, when arguments (yes, you'll have them) become too frequent, when the whole things just seems like more trouble than it's worth, it's time to re-evaluate the relationship with your partner. Either you'll decide to go your separate ways, or you'll get closer for having overcome another obstacle to your happiness together.
Tips
A long distance relationship is no different from a proximal relationship. They both require a great deal of work, excellent communication, patience, sacrifice and understanding.
Warnings
Long distance relationships are not for the faint of heart. They can be very trying, but so can proximal relationships. If you are a very needy or jealous person, recognize that these tendencies may not be compatible with any type of healthy relationship, but may make a long distance relationship nearly impossible to sustain. Also remember that only you and your long distance partner understand the nuances of your relationship.
Friends, family and colleagues may not understand your preoccupation with someone you have never met. Listen to their advice with a grain of salt unless they have been there themselves. The internet is young and no one really knows as yet how many lasting relationships are forged this way so do not let the naysayers get you down. Remember if the goal is a permanent partnership the goal is to eventually meet at some point so do not neglect or put it off for too long.
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