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Religion and divorce
Belief in God does not stop couples from marrying too young or too impetuously. It doesn't keep them from growing apart or uncovering a loved one's dark side.
It doesn't guarantee economic security, sexual compatibility or the desire to see your lawfully wedded spouse at breakfast for half a century.
While every divorce is the death of great expectations, for religious people it is often a multilayered whammy the end of faith, religious participation, trust in an institution, a church job or entrance into heaven.
For some, contemplating divorce is akin to considering murder. It's beyond their imaginations.
Once they've done it, these believers may feel like outsiders within their community. Some may think God betrayed them, while others find solace in believing. Faith cuts both ways.
Then there are the children. Typical quarreling now includes whether it's OK to read Bible stories at bedtime or skip services for skiing.
No religious tradition welcomes divorce.
Jesus was unbending, saying once a man and woman are united in marriage, they cannot be "cleaved apart." To divorce, he said, is to commit adultery. Hindu scripture has no word for or system to implement divorce. Baha'is allow it only in cases of "extreme antipathy." A Greek Orthodox priest who divorces must remain celibate or stop being a priest.
But every group has had to adapt to the rise in marital splits. Pre-marital counseling, offered in clergy meetings or workshops, represent efforts to head-off problems before they start.
Jews made allowances for unhappy couples centuries ago in Hebrew scripture, laying out how to ethically part. Muslims, too, turned to their holy book and teachings for instructions and advice.
Catholics don't call their system "divorce" proceedings, but an annulment is the dissolution of a union. Mormons used to call their approach, "a temple divorce," now it's a "cancellation of sealing." Before Baha'i couples divorce, they must live apart for a "year of patience," during which they should attempt to reconcile. Muslims also institute a waiting period to allow for reconsideration. In the Protestant world, there is no overarching divorce system.
Ending a marriage may be painful, but is it sin?
Only 22 percent of respondents in a 2005 poll conducted by Greenberg Quinlan Rosner Research for the Public Broadcasting Service program, "Religion & Ethics NewsWeekly," said it was.
Religious conservatives were most likely to consider divorce sinful. But that was not a majority view even in their ranks: 34 percent of evangelical Christians and 30 percent of traditional Catholics said they believe divorce is sinful, the poll showed.
"We as Christians believe divorce is sin but we also recognize that not everybody involved in a divorce is guilty of the sin of divorce," says Steve Grissom, founder and president of DivorceCare, a Protestant support ministry. "The Bible says we are all sinners and God wants to see every sinner restored."
Dealing with reality
Because most religions oppose divorce, they often try to make it tough to obtain.
Catholics married in the church must obtain an annulment of that marriage to marry again in the church. Most divorced Catholics do not go through that process, but for those who do, it can be arduous. The applicant must submit evidence of baptism, marriage and reasons to end the union. Each case goes to the local tribunal, which requires proof, witnesses, experts, psychologists, legal documents, photos and letters outlining the whole arc of the marriage from courtship through breakdown.
"Most of the people who apply are good people with good intentions. They don't want to say bad things about their ex-spouse," says the Rev. Langes Silva, judicial vicar for the Diocese of Salt Lake City. "But we have to determine what was at fault in their marriage."
Getting an annulment can take six months to a year, he says. During that time, the divorced person cannot take Communion. Eventually, though, most applications are approved.
"This diocese processes about 150 requests for nullity of marriage every year," says Silva, one of three tribunal judges who decide Utah cases. "Of those, at least 100 obtain a decree of invalidity [annulment]."
Prophet Muhammad called divorce "the most hateful thing that God created and allowed." The Quran encourages husbands and wives to do all in their power to stay married; it even suggests mediators.
But Islam recognizes that not all marriages will work, and so it provides procedures for both men and women to initiate an Islamic divorce, a rite that is separate from civil divorces honored in America.
The Greek Orthodox Church offers a "church divorce," authorized by the bishop. Hindus just celebrate each new marriage.
"There's no untying a knot," says Indra Neelemeggham, a leader in Utah's Hindu community. "As long as they are free to be married legally, a priest will perform the wedding."
Mormon leader Brigham Young was divorced from a few of his many wives, as were several of the early LDS authorities. It was relatively easy in the Utah Territory.
After the LDS Church gave up polygamy in 1890 and settled into monogamous marriages, divorce became as rare as elsewhere in America. Divorced men and women faced ostracism and had to get special permission to end their marriages from the president of the church.
Even though the process of breaking up an "eternal marriage" is difficult, it is happening more.
About 40 percent of LDS adults are single, and "the vast majority have been divorced," says Jennifer James, a divorced mother of three and a Utah County therapist working with Mormon divorcees. "They feel disenfranchised. They go to their wards but are shunned like they have a social disease that will rub off," James says. "At a time when we need the church the most, the infrastructure abandons us."
Community support
While some groups tend to shun couples in trouble, others see every marriage as integral to the community. A failure of one member is felt by all.
If a Baha'i couple has differences they cannot solve between themselves, their parents and families will step in to help. They also are urged to look to their local Baha'i spiritual assembly for advice and guidance.
American Indian divorce practices and rates are hardly distinct from those in other communities. But this wasn't always the case, says Lacee Harris, a Northern Ute and Northern Paiute who performs ceremonies when he isn't working as a mental-health therapist at Salt Lake City's Indian Walk-in Center.
He says divorces were extremely rare, when American Indians lived in "family groups," because they not only disrupted a couple's lives, an entire clan felt the effects. If a couple had major problems, elders and relatives would intercede to help resolve matters, hold ceremonies as necessary and do everything they could to keep marriages healthy and intact.
Couples going through divorce, no matter their faith, may still turn to family or religious leaders for advice. But they are also being bolstered by anonymous others in support groups or, as a sign of the times, Internet Web sites and chat rooms.
When religions collide
All married couples fight, but those of the same religion are more able to prevent, resolve and overcome their conflicts, according to a study by Brigham Young University professor David Dollahite.
"Couples who practice their faith together are more likely to remain committed to each other and the marriage when conflict does occur," he says.
In interviews with 57 highly religious Christian, Jewish and Muslim couples, many said they drew on their scriptures, their religious services and prayer to help resolve issues.
"Religion is a powerful prophylactic against divorce and Utah is a religious state," said the University of Utah's Nicholas H. Wolfinger, who has studied divorce in Utah and nationally. "If you are religious and go to church often, you are less likely to divorce."
But that is true only for couples in which both husband and wife observe the same faith.
More than 50 percent of Utah's Catholic annulments are for Catholics who were married to Mormons.
For his doctoral dissertation at the Pontifical University of Salamanca in Spain, Silva compared Mormon and Catholic institutions of marriage. He chose that topic because he had seen so many Latter-day Saints as parties in annulment proceedings.
"Some LDS express discomfort with our procedure," Silva says. "Some had remarried within their system and were happy with their new marriages."
Interfaith marriages pairing Christians and Jews, Born-Agains and Atheists, Muslims and Liberal Protestants all can be difficult. Even within the same faith, each partner could have or develop a different understanding and practice of that faith.
"It's hard being married to someone you know is going to hell," Wolfinger points out.
Marriage, itself, comes with challenges. But few people, especially young couples, go into it anticipating what complications may lie ahead. Instead, they enter the institution with the best of intentions and loftiest of dreams. Some bring with them, too, their faith, holding on to every prayer that they are doing right.
It doesn't guarantee economic security, sexual compatibility or the desire to see your lawfully wedded spouse at breakfast for half a century.
While every divorce is the death of great expectations, for religious people it is often a multilayered whammy the end of faith, religious participation, trust in an institution, a church job or entrance into heaven.
For some, contemplating divorce is akin to considering murder. It's beyond their imaginations.
Once they've done it, these believers may feel like outsiders within their community. Some may think God betrayed them, while others find solace in believing. Faith cuts both ways.
Then there are the children. Typical quarreling now includes whether it's OK to read Bible stories at bedtime or skip services for skiing.
No religious tradition welcomes divorce.
Jesus was unbending, saying once a man and woman are united in marriage, they cannot be "cleaved apart." To divorce, he said, is to commit adultery. Hindu scripture has no word for or system to implement divorce. Baha'is allow it only in cases of "extreme antipathy." A Greek Orthodox priest who divorces must remain celibate or stop being a priest.
But every group has had to adapt to the rise in marital splits. Pre-marital counseling, offered in clergy meetings or workshops, represent efforts to head-off problems before they start.
Jews made allowances for unhappy couples centuries ago in Hebrew scripture, laying out how to ethically part. Muslims, too, turned to their holy book and teachings for instructions and advice.
Catholics don't call their system "divorce" proceedings, but an annulment is the dissolution of a union. Mormons used to call their approach, "a temple divorce," now it's a "cancellation of sealing." Before Baha'i couples divorce, they must live apart for a "year of patience," during which they should attempt to reconcile. Muslims also institute a waiting period to allow for reconsideration. In the Protestant world, there is no overarching divorce system.
Ending a marriage may be painful, but is it sin?
Only 22 percent of respondents in a 2005 poll conducted by Greenberg Quinlan Rosner Research for the Public Broadcasting Service program, "Religion & Ethics NewsWeekly," said it was.
Religious conservatives were most likely to consider divorce sinful. But that was not a majority view even in their ranks: 34 percent of evangelical Christians and 30 percent of traditional Catholics said they believe divorce is sinful, the poll showed.
"We as Christians believe divorce is sin but we also recognize that not everybody involved in a divorce is guilty of the sin of divorce," says Steve Grissom, founder and president of DivorceCare, a Protestant support ministry. "The Bible says we are all sinners and God wants to see every sinner restored."
Dealing with reality
Because most religions oppose divorce, they often try to make it tough to obtain.
Catholics married in the church must obtain an annulment of that marriage to marry again in the church. Most divorced Catholics do not go through that process, but for those who do, it can be arduous. The applicant must submit evidence of baptism, marriage and reasons to end the union. Each case goes to the local tribunal, which requires proof, witnesses, experts, psychologists, legal documents, photos and letters outlining the whole arc of the marriage from courtship through breakdown.
"Most of the people who apply are good people with good intentions. They don't want to say bad things about their ex-spouse," says the Rev. Langes Silva, judicial vicar for the Diocese of Salt Lake City. "But we have to determine what was at fault in their marriage."
Getting an annulment can take six months to a year, he says. During that time, the divorced person cannot take Communion. Eventually, though, most applications are approved.
"This diocese processes about 150 requests for nullity of marriage every year," says Silva, one of three tribunal judges who decide Utah cases. "Of those, at least 100 obtain a decree of invalidity [annulment]."
Prophet Muhammad called divorce "the most hateful thing that God created and allowed." The Quran encourages husbands and wives to do all in their power to stay married; it even suggests mediators.
But Islam recognizes that not all marriages will work, and so it provides procedures for both men and women to initiate an Islamic divorce, a rite that is separate from civil divorces honored in America.
The Greek Orthodox Church offers a "church divorce," authorized by the bishop. Hindus just celebrate each new marriage.
"There's no untying a knot," says Indra Neelemeggham, a leader in Utah's Hindu community. "As long as they are free to be married legally, a priest will perform the wedding."
Mormon leader Brigham Young was divorced from a few of his many wives, as were several of the early LDS authorities. It was relatively easy in the Utah Territory.
After the LDS Church gave up polygamy in 1890 and settled into monogamous marriages, divorce became as rare as elsewhere in America. Divorced men and women faced ostracism and had to get special permission to end their marriages from the president of the church.
Even though the process of breaking up an "eternal marriage" is difficult, it is happening more.
About 40 percent of LDS adults are single, and "the vast majority have been divorced," says Jennifer James, a divorced mother of three and a Utah County therapist working with Mormon divorcees. "They feel disenfranchised. They go to their wards but are shunned like they have a social disease that will rub off," James says. "At a time when we need the church the most, the infrastructure abandons us."
Community support
While some groups tend to shun couples in trouble, others see every marriage as integral to the community. A failure of one member is felt by all.
If a Baha'i couple has differences they cannot solve between themselves, their parents and families will step in to help. They also are urged to look to their local Baha'i spiritual assembly for advice and guidance.
American Indian divorce practices and rates are hardly distinct from those in other communities. But this wasn't always the case, says Lacee Harris, a Northern Ute and Northern Paiute who performs ceremonies when he isn't working as a mental-health therapist at Salt Lake City's Indian Walk-in Center.
He says divorces were extremely rare, when American Indians lived in "family groups," because they not only disrupted a couple's lives, an entire clan felt the effects. If a couple had major problems, elders and relatives would intercede to help resolve matters, hold ceremonies as necessary and do everything they could to keep marriages healthy and intact.
Couples going through divorce, no matter their faith, may still turn to family or religious leaders for advice. But they are also being bolstered by anonymous others in support groups or, as a sign of the times, Internet Web sites and chat rooms.
When religions collide
All married couples fight, but those of the same religion are more able to prevent, resolve and overcome their conflicts, according to a study by Brigham Young University professor David Dollahite.
"Couples who practice their faith together are more likely to remain committed to each other and the marriage when conflict does occur," he says.
In interviews with 57 highly religious Christian, Jewish and Muslim couples, many said they drew on their scriptures, their religious services and prayer to help resolve issues.
"Religion is a powerful prophylactic against divorce and Utah is a religious state," said the University of Utah's Nicholas H. Wolfinger, who has studied divorce in Utah and nationally. "If you are religious and go to church often, you are less likely to divorce."
But that is true only for couples in which both husband and wife observe the same faith.
More than 50 percent of Utah's Catholic annulments are for Catholics who were married to Mormons.
For his doctoral dissertation at the Pontifical University of Salamanca in Spain, Silva compared Mormon and Catholic institutions of marriage. He chose that topic because he had seen so many Latter-day Saints as parties in annulment proceedings.
"Some LDS express discomfort with our procedure," Silva says. "Some had remarried within their system and were happy with their new marriages."
Interfaith marriages pairing Christians and Jews, Born-Agains and Atheists, Muslims and Liberal Protestants all can be difficult. Even within the same faith, each partner could have or develop a different understanding and practice of that faith.
"It's hard being married to someone you know is going to hell," Wolfinger points out.
Marriage, itself, comes with challenges. But few people, especially young couples, go into it anticipating what complications may lie ahead. Instead, they enter the institution with the best of intentions and loftiest of dreams. Some bring with them, too, their faith, holding on to every prayer that they are doing right.