Recognize a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship

[Rasputin]

As your relationship with a romantic interest has developed, you find your old friends falling away, while family members remark on how you don't seem like yourself.

Are you losing yourself to this odd, and ultimately destructive, relationship? Before you can regain your individuality and strength, you'll need to determine if the relationship is what's taking it away, and put an end to the destructive cycle.

Evaluate honestly: Is this relationship progressing in a healthy manner, or is it unhealthy? Be objective as you analyze how things have changed since this relationship began:


Are you enjoying elevated esteem from your friends, or are they looking at you sideways? Are your family relationships suddenly filled with tension, every time your beloved's name comes up? While stressed relationships with others aren't a sure sign of an unhealthy romance, red flags should go up if everyone who cares about you is getting worried.

Do you find yourself straying from your path? If you're a religious person, are you doing things you wouldn't ordinarily do? If you're a straight-A student, are your grades slipping? Have all the goals and dreams that previously defined you all of a sudden been pushed toward the back burner for no apparent reason?

Does this person bring out your best, or worst traits? Do you feed each others' best self, or have you put an ugly face out to the world since you got together?

Recognize your blindness to his/her faults. Infatuation isn't a bad thing. It is necessary and good; however, it does make one "temporarily insane" for the first few months or years of a relationship. Sometimes our starry-eyed affection can make us willfully close our eyes, even though we really kind of know that our friends and family have a point when they say they don't like this or that about the new significant other.

Do you find yourself apologizing for/explaining their behavior? Finding reasons to excuse it? "Oh, they had a rough breakup with someone before me... you can understand..." If you find yourself getting defensive when someone questions your relationship, you're probably already aware that there is a problem and haven't yet come to terms with it. Remember that people in healthy relationships have nothing to hide or defend.

Notice that your plans are continually overturned in favor of theirs. You go to pick them up, thinking you're going to see "The Wizard of Oz" at the art theater. But by the time you're halfway through dinner (at the other end of town, their selection of restaurant), they have talked you into seeing "The Fast & The Furious" at the theater next door to the restaurant they chose, instead.

More and more, you discover that you're not keeping any of the dates you chose. Instead, you're always changing plans to do what they want. And heaven help you if you planned to have dinner with friends of yours at 7pm. They won't get into the shower until 6:50, and you'll be calling to apologize, and hanging everyone up while they all wait. For them. 'Cause, sweetie, it's ALL about THEM.

Remember that manipulation is when they get you to do something you really wish you hadn't. This person likes getting you outside your comfort zone, because then s/he's pulling the strings, getting one over on you.
Be aware the manipulation may also be financial.

A controlling partner may take over financial decisions, whether they earn more OR less than you. If you earn LESS, they may make you ask permission to buy things, seriously restricting even rare luxury purchaces, or they may demand a long and/or emotional discussion of small or medium sized expenses.

If you earn MORE, be wary of joint credit card accounts and joint filing of taxes--BOTH people are legally responsible for paying, even if only one of them incurred the debt; some controlling people will use a joint credit card account, and then leave you with the bill.

Look for subtle establishment of control over time. It doesn't happen obviously, suddenly, or overnight. Controlling, manipulative people are often very insecure. That's why they have the compulsion to control others - they simply don't trust anyone but themselves. They will invest weeks or months in 'training' you to accept and carry out their will:


Do they treat your friends and family disrespectfully? Rudely?

Are you realizing it's just become easier NOT to spend time with people you've loved for years?

Have all of YOUR past attachments to people and places been replaced by either old friends of your new mate, or new friends you've made since you've been together? Severing your ties to the familiar stability of the world you have always known means this person has just made themselves the center of your universe, and has no competition for your attention.

Watch out for subtle discrepancies. When talking with mutual friends, have they ever said something about your new friend that made you stop and say, "Huh? But they said something different... You can't have understood that right." Did you then dismiss the idea that what they heard could have actually been true?

That's a big red flag. When you're being controlled or manipulated, it's usually through half-truths or omissions, not outright lies. There's just enough weirdness to make you stop and think, but not quite enough to get you to re-evaluate the entire relationship. If this happens more than once, STOP and remind yourself that this isn't the first time you've had this reaction. Start analyzing discrepancies between what THEY said, and what your friends say. It may save you from disaster later.

Keep your support system. Cutting you off from your support systems helps them gain dominance over you. And you think it's YOUR decision. Controlling people treat YOUR friends with disrespect, but when alone with you, they never say a bad word about them - it makes you believe your family or friends are simply jealous, don't understand them, etc.

When you find yourself saying, "But, you don't KNOW them like I do..." that's a bad sign. It's much easier to control you when you've decided your loved ones just don't understand your mate, and you have no one but them to turn to.

Recognize excessive jealousy or possessiveness as a danger signal. If your new-found love is protective of you, that's sweet.

If they're bizarrely, overly protective, it's scary. Consider whether they constantly offer to make the trip to the market or to the post office in order to keep you from going out alone. Do they question you too intensely about why you were talking to another person? Get angry about it? Disbelieve you when you say that person is just a friend or work colleague? Do they later apologize, saying they just "love you too much"? And then, do they "woo" or "court" you again with flattery and presents? Bad news. Watch for the bad behavior to resume as soon as they believe they have you hooked and complacent again.

Be careful of shallow apologies and promises to do better in the future. They do something that is totally unacceptable then ask your forgiveness, tell you they realize they are wrong and promise to change. This is a hard thing to see as they are so very convincing but it is part of the control. It is a way to use your compassion to keep you interested and at this point they may even pretend to want your help to change.

[Rasputin]

Beware of the "backhanded compliment". They will say things like, "Gosh, it's a good thing you're so attractive" (implies that you are stupid or incompetent) or "It's a good thing you're with me - who else could put up with your mistakes?" (same).

At first blush, it seems sweet and funny. But they will drill this idea into you over and over - that you should consider yourself very lucky to have someone like them, who will love you despite the fact that you have NO positive attributes, talents, and apparently, the IQ of a head of lettuce. Saying, "Nobody will ever love you the way I do," seems sweet, but they want you to believe that nobody BUT them will ever love you again. Over time, these ideas erode your sense of confidence and you will begin to believe you're unworthy of better treatment, and they're the best you can hope for.

Don't let every minor disagreement become World War III. You make a date with them, warning them ahead of time that you will need to leave by 7 to have dinner with your brother.

At 6:40, as you're getting up to leave, they suddenly "remember" some urgent task they need you to do before you go. You remind them that they asked you to blow your brother off last time, and you did - this time you really need to go. They begin to cry, wail, accuse you, rant, rave, threaten to kill themselves, and do whatever it takes to keep you from leaving. Hours later, you're emotionally drained and physically exhausted, and you find they've turned the whole thing around on you - you're begging for forgiveness and a "chance to make it up to them."

They triumphantly condescend to allow you the privilege of staying as their lap dog, only if you will agree to _________ (something probably kind of distasteful to you, as they well know). You agree. And later, you actually go through with whatever you agreed to, hating yourself (and them a little bit) all the while. Needless to say, you never make it to dinner with your brother. Again.

Stop berating yourself for being into this person. Realize that they're amazing - on the surface, and you shouldn't beat yourself up for being attracted to that. Controlling, manipulative people are the unfortunate product of two things: A high, incisive intellect, and low self-esteem. Something has caused this person to believe others could not willingly do things that would make them happy.

They are now unable to just let things happen naturally - they MUST control things or, in their mind, things will "get away" from them - so they're compelled by their inner demons to make sure they're the one pulling all the strings. But what makes it most awful is that they're probably beautiful (you think so, right?), and smart, and maybe even funny and charming. It's no wonder you fell for this person.

Get out as fast as you can. Once you've recognized this for what it is (emotional abuse), you will tire of it quickly and want to leave, despite your lingering feelings for this person. Be careful. Controlling, manipulative individuals will want to control you, even if they don't care about the relationship any more.

The old saying "S/he doesn't want me, but doesn't want me to be with anyone else, either," was invented for this person. You deserve to be with someone who respects you and can maintain a healthy relationship. This just isn't it. Take steps to end it swiftly and leave - now.
Don't blow off the opinions of your friends and family, they do have your best interests in mind. Do they tell you you're acting strange lately? Do they comment on how different you seem - and not in a good way? Has anyone you love and respect expressed actual dislike?

Ask yourself, "Is my (for example) mum right about every other thing, but wrong about this ONE thing - my new girl?" And if more than one close family member or friend is expressing dislike of the new romance, give more weight to the negative opinion.

Controlling persons often check out of the relationship before you do. But still, when you've had enough, they pitch a freaker as if they've been cut to the bone by your thoughtless abandonment. Just so you know.

Don't be mean about it. You don't have to be like them to get away. Just say it's not a match and you don't intend to see them any more. Period. Don't try pointing out all of the above warning signs. They won't recognize themselves. It's like trying to teach a pig to sing - it wastes your time and makes the pig bitter.

Confess to your friends and family - apologize to them for marginalizing them and disregarding their bad opinion of this person. Tell them you wish you had listened to them. Get all the anger and hurt out of your system - they will be only too happy to share (they will rejoice when you tell them you're through).
Speaking of bitter, resist the temptation to be bitter about the experience. You've just survived a very tough situation and lived to tell the tale!

Go out with your friends, your family, and alone. Re-establish ties with all those things and people you left behind while your judgment was clouded.
Controlling and manipulative people are often produced by external factors such as abusive parents or clinical mental disorders. You cannot hope to change or rescue such a person, as much as you may care for them; the best help you can give them is to (A) refuse to be their victim, and (B) direct them to professional help.

If they show up at your door after you've broken it off, don't open it if you're home alone. Make sure someone else is with you if you do decide to talk to them (not recommended) but even though you want to be compassionate, the best and easiest approach is to simply cut off contact.

Compassion is not easily understood or accepted by these folks, and it just hurts you both more in the end. Cutting them off forces them to move on or get help.

Watch for stalking or menacing behaviors, and report them to the police immediately. This person is probably just difficult and not dangerous. But don't take any chances. If necessary, get a restraining order and call the cops each and every time it's violated.

For marriage most of this advice of terminating a relationship should be done only after seeking professional help. If your partner is not willing to commit to therapy then separation may be the only answer, even if kids are involved.
If this person does tell you they will commit suicide or kill or harm you in some way; don't take the threat lightly. Call the authorities immediately. Do not use your own judgment to determine whether or not they are being serious; let true professionals make that determination as they are trained to do so and it is in your and the other person's best interest to seek this help immediately. NEVER TAKE THREATFUL HARMS LIGHTLY!!!!!!

Things You'll Need

Support from family or friends. Don't let yourself become isolated.
Will power to resist the temptation to be kind (just let them go)
Brutally honest self-appraisal
Forgiveness of yourself