Distortion of the essence of marriage in Iranian culture

[zubin]

This does not apply to all Iranian families.

A large number of modern Iranian families, however, teach their children (through convention and culture) that marriage is an end to itself rather than a means to an end.

The essence of marriage for these people is the dedication itself, publicly and privately, to one other person.

I want to suggest that this is unhealthy and a better alternative exists which captures the true essence of marriage. Marriage is not about dedication to one other person. Instead, in my opinion, it is about respect and understanding the other person.

Its up to you to decide.

[abadani69]

Ramin man manzooret ro dorost nafahmidam,mishe bishtar tovzih bedi ta decide konam

that marriage is an end to itself rather than a means to an end.
I don't get this

[zubin]

Ramin man manzooret ro dorost nafahmidam,mishe bishtar tovzih bedi ta decide konam

that marriage is an end to itself rather than a means to an end.
I don't get this

When someone gets married, they dedicate themself to another person. What I'm saying is that this dedication is not the goal of marriage. The dedication is for something else.

"end" yani hadaf. "means" yani tarze reseedan be yek hadaf.

Manzur eene ke ezdevaj dar asl yek hadaf neest. Dar asl yek rahe reseedane be yek hadafe deegei ast. Vali een hadafo ma faramush kardeem, fekr meekoneem hadafe ezdevaj faghat eene ke begeem "man hameeshe ba toam". Een khode ezdevaje, pas hadafe ezdevaj cheyi? Nazare man eene ke hadafe vagheiye ezdevaj ehteram va fahmeedane yeki deegast, hameen. Hade aghal hadafe modernesh eene be nazaram.

[abadani69]

I totally Agree with you bro. Respect and trust are the keys of the marriage

[zubin]

the keys and the goals. there are many people who view marriage as simply someone's dedication to them and that's it. they are taught that marriage simply means someone will be dedicated to you and that's all. there's no mention that the goal of marriage is to respect someone, understand them, and receive the same back. Its not a "dedication" per se, its a method to understand and be understood.

this is not only naive, but cruel to the partner.

[abadani69]

I know,damn Persians ke injoori hastan loool. j/k

[zubin]

lol. well its not their fault, but for more healthy future lives understanding this is important.

[abadani69]

Well I said i Agree with you, why you keep arguing with me bache loool

[zubin]

most of the time man daram ba khodam bahs meekonam aziz!!! but I swear I'm not crazy...

[Dokhtar Bandari]

Its not just Iranians (Persians), Italians do it to extreme too. However, to address your concern...I am not sure why marriage as in signing any papers like you are buying a piece of property is important, but I do know there is nothing like being with your soul mate eternally...I know I know that is cliche but what can I say...I rather be with one right person forever than many wrong ones. But I still do not agree that we should push our younger generation to accept our beliefs.

[zubin]

you mentioned soulmates. do you think people become soulmates automatically, or through some specific path? Even if I know someone is my soulmate, to experience being a soulmate is surely a different thing. How do you think it happens? It seems to me that many people might not understand that marriage is about the path to your soulmate, and that the path is very precise. There aren't a variety of ways to achieve it, only one.

Also, the misunderstanding that marriage is simply dedication to a person, to me seems to prevent any achievement of soulmates. Let's face it, most people have a hard time finding their soulmate.

Last, these problems are not small. Though we should not "push", we are obligated to allow natural education of life and truth. Neglect would be, and is, disastrous.

[Dokhtar Bandari]

hmmmmm...lets see where to start...ok, I think in order to recognize your soulmate, you have to know yourself. And, when you encounter your soulmate you get that deep feeling of love and closeness, kind of like you know this person...and that comes from knowing yourself, a sense of familiarity.
There are a lot of marriages that are sucksassfool (LOL), but they are not nessesarily each others soulmate...and on the other hand there are a lot of soulmates that don't end up marrying each other.
Traditionally marriage is for security and procreation, ones soulmate may not fall in that category. Marriage is not but a koontract between 2 people, and its not really a symobl of love, though in rare occassions it could be.

[zubin]

I like the survey you made of the issue. I can see that soulmates wouldn't necessarily marry each other etc. On the matter of traditional marriage you are correct as well. The fact that your description is of traditional marriage, and not modern, however, implies that a different, modern purpose to marriage does exist. Many Iranians are trying to reconcile the old with the new, marriage in a world where 'security and procreation' aren't as big of an issue.

The issue is what purpose does one take of marriage now? By default, its taught that marriage means dedication. But that's not what it means in today's world. In today's world it is to learn who and what your soulmate is.

The way I like to put it is 'to respect and try to understand the person you think is your soulmate.' This simply assumes that, even if you know the person you think is your soulmate, you have to also experience the knowledge, "understand and respect" them. In my opinion, this is the modern purpose of marriage.

[Dokhtar Bandari]

OK, I agree with what you say. But respect and understanding comes from a mental attitude and its not really a recognized attribute. If you are a respectful person, well you are just that, in marriage or otherwise. I think personally marrige is a redunent thing, I like to live with someone until I die or until I kill him...just kidding...lol
Really I think any meaningfull relationship including marriage should be devoid of manipulation and anexity...which we notice a lot these days, hence the high rate of divorce.
Modern marriges are more of a cure from lonelyness and move to a higher digit bracket than about love and soulmate. Like the DINKS (double income no kids) or YAPPies...totally to gain social status and increase network...even in Iranian familie.

[zubin]

perhaps its not an attribute, but I think its capable of becoming an attribute to every person. I'm a follower of the kantian notion of a universal principle. There are basic moral things out there that everyone can do, and it is these universal principles that can and should be striven for (as a culture or society, affecting the individual). I believe respect in a relationship is very important and is one of these universal principles, and is a bit distinct from regular social respect. Many are dandy in public, but cruel at home.

I also think the universal principle of understanding is simply the wanting to, and ability to, understand the other person's perspective, life, meaning. I have to believe that everyone is capable of doing this, if not willing, and I think it can be objectively proven that everyone is capable. The only question for me is how it could happen practically. How, practically, can we have a world where people really understand each other and are not distracted into some bias? The kantian idea is that this would be desirable.

thanks for adding to the discussion