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Sexuality and Power In the Iranian-American Community
The Dilemma of “Virginity” and Its Psychological and Emotional Effects on Iranian Men and Women.
A woman's virginity has been and continues to be a dilemma for many cultures of the world. Today, however, we understand that the problems created around this issue are not about virginity per se , but rather more about power and control . Often times when an illness or a disease progresses, the symptom tends to become the focus of attention and what caused the illness in the first place is neglected or forgotten. This seems to be the case in most Iranian homes. That is, virginity in women is often the focus of attention rather than the issue of power and control.
Sexuality is an important aspect of human life and close examination will inevitably create a range of thoughts and feelings around it. This article is an attempt to break down existing psychological and emotional barriers while bringing greater awareness to the readers. It is my hope that someday we may come together to dialogue around such difficult topics in order to create healthier solutions for these current problems.
Sexuality to all cultures signifies something different but at the same time it has many similar connotations. In most cultures of the world sexuality is synonymous with power, control, individuality as well as creativity and passion. The Iranian culture has been traditionally and historically filled with wonderful and picturesque stories, poetry, mythology and epics of lovers and beloveds seeking one another throughout life times. Invariably, not only is our tradition filled with stories of Ethos (morality and ethics) but also of great stories of Eros (passion, seduction and enticement).
Then, if our rich culture entails of so many profound stories of the human and spiritual conditions, why is there such a vast difference between how we view our sexuality today as opposed to the way it is depicted in our traditional and cultural cosmology?
This is an important question to ask because its historic implications are very pertinent in understanding how we as a people operate today. It is understood that many centuries ago before people had placed any judgment or values upon sexuality, its act was carried out quite naturally and frequently. Of course, in those days contraceptives were not as easily understood and very soon people came to understand that sexual activities often lead to pregnancy. Also, infidelity ran rampant among both men and women. Thus, the people faced a common problem—How could the frequency of sexual encounters be reduced in order to prevent illegitimate pregnancies as well as infidelity?
Given that the Iranian culture is a patriarchal society, men have traditionally laid down the rules, norms and values. With this understanding, it only made sense then to only curb and control the sexual behavior of women. Because it is the woman who carries the offspring and therefore publicly shows the consequence of having engaged in sexual activity she became the target of control rather than the men.
One way to control the sexual behavior in women was to place judgments and values upon them if they engaged in any form of sexual activity outside the marriage. Slandering and even ostracizing them gradually became a strong measure in controlling their sexual behavior. While these measures were taken only with the women, the men were left as before to continue indulging in their sexual appetite. As time progressed and control over women became stronger, eventually the entire concept or idea of sexuality in women became a taboo.
The next question then is, if the women were being curbed or controlled into not having intercourse, who were the men having sex with? This particular problem led to subjugation or rendering of women to certain roles and classes within society. If a woman was single and was not a virgin or she was divorced from her husband or was unfaithful to him, she was immediately relegated to a lower class of women and was therefore shamed and looked down upon by others. Once these women lost their position in the strata of society, they became targets for sexual use and abuse.
Unfortunately, these damaging belief systems still prevail to this day. Even with the presence of contraceptives and all sorts of devices to control pregnancy, women who choose to be openly sexually active or are divorced are often labeled with negative and derogatory remarks. The fear of being slandered or even ostracized from the community is so strong within Iranian women that they often live with intense emotional and psychological pain. Worst yet, many of these women continue teaching these belief systems to their young daughters. As a result, generations of young girls are raised carrying much needless fear, guilt and shame around their own sexuality.
Because sexuality is a natural part of life, no matter how intensely we may want to inhibit it, it often comes out regardless. If this innate desire does not show itself with in the confines of sexuality, it will emerge somehow or somewhere in our lives. Unfortunately, when it is not given the proper avenue of expression it can and often does develop into neurotic or disorderly behaviors seen in other areas of life.
A common unhealthy behavior practiced among Iranian-American women is the tendency to be involved in sexual relations prior to marriage. On the prospect of marriage she pays a visit to the gynecologist and becomes a virgin again. Sadly, the psychological and emotional ramifications of this behavior have caused great pain to the women, their husbands and their families.
Since traditionally the premise on women's sexuality has been based on being non-sexual until marriage, if the woman has been active before marriage, a deep sense of guilt and shame prevails within her psyche. Not only has she gone against the grain of her culture but she is also starting her marriage with a lie. As a result, the foundation of the marriage is weakened and the marital bond is built on shaky ground.
One can see that this is a vicious cycle. If the woman is suffering so will her partner, and if the marriage is suffering so will the children and the extended families of both individuals.
On the same token, if the woman takes on the preferred or “correct” mannerism in regards to her sexuality, and stays a virgin until she is married, other psychological and emotional barriers are created. One of the common outcomes for women who have suppressed their sexuality or did not engage in any sexual behavior during the early to mid adulthood years is the prospect of becoming “frigid” or being intensely cold or indifferent towards engaging in any sexual activity.
Because men have historically not been subjected to having their sexual behavior curbed or controlled, they do not have the same or even similar issues as women. Most often, Iranian men are quite active before marriage and are often shocked or disappointed to find that their partner seems so cold and detached from her body. While society tells them it is good that they are with a virgin woman, their inner feelings may be contradictory to that belief. So again, either way one looks at this situation, it has become a dilemma for both the men as well as the women.
Of course in writing about and addressing some of the dilemmas created within our culture, I do not imply or suggest that taking part in the opposite behavior is what is considered to be better or even healthier. One can clearly see this in the greater American as well as the European culture. Because these Western cultures became aware of these issues caused by inhibiting sexuality, their natural reaction was to engage in free and uninhibited sexual activity starting in their early teen years. Unfortunately, this belief system has also proven to be unhealthy to the overall well being of most people living in these cultures.
In conclusion, virginity in Iranian women has been a major concern and a dilemma for many people and their families. Due to the fact that sexuality has not had a healthier or a more acceptable means of expression in this community, many people, as a result, have been engaging in adverse behaviors. These behaviors are causing various psychological and emotional problems in both Iranian women and men. Learning to talk about these issues and addressing them in healthier settings such as individual or group counseling can be a more effective approach in dealing with these problems.
By E Ezzati
A woman's virginity has been and continues to be a dilemma for many cultures of the world. Today, however, we understand that the problems created around this issue are not about virginity per se , but rather more about power and control . Often times when an illness or a disease progresses, the symptom tends to become the focus of attention and what caused the illness in the first place is neglected or forgotten. This seems to be the case in most Iranian homes. That is, virginity in women is often the focus of attention rather than the issue of power and control.
Sexuality is an important aspect of human life and close examination will inevitably create a range of thoughts and feelings around it. This article is an attempt to break down existing psychological and emotional barriers while bringing greater awareness to the readers. It is my hope that someday we may come together to dialogue around such difficult topics in order to create healthier solutions for these current problems.
Sexuality to all cultures signifies something different but at the same time it has many similar connotations. In most cultures of the world sexuality is synonymous with power, control, individuality as well as creativity and passion. The Iranian culture has been traditionally and historically filled with wonderful and picturesque stories, poetry, mythology and epics of lovers and beloveds seeking one another throughout life times. Invariably, not only is our tradition filled with stories of Ethos (morality and ethics) but also of great stories of Eros (passion, seduction and enticement).
Then, if our rich culture entails of so many profound stories of the human and spiritual conditions, why is there such a vast difference between how we view our sexuality today as opposed to the way it is depicted in our traditional and cultural cosmology?
This is an important question to ask because its historic implications are very pertinent in understanding how we as a people operate today. It is understood that many centuries ago before people had placed any judgment or values upon sexuality, its act was carried out quite naturally and frequently. Of course, in those days contraceptives were not as easily understood and very soon people came to understand that sexual activities often lead to pregnancy. Also, infidelity ran rampant among both men and women. Thus, the people faced a common problem—How could the frequency of sexual encounters be reduced in order to prevent illegitimate pregnancies as well as infidelity?
Given that the Iranian culture is a patriarchal society, men have traditionally laid down the rules, norms and values. With this understanding, it only made sense then to only curb and control the sexual behavior of women. Because it is the woman who carries the offspring and therefore publicly shows the consequence of having engaged in sexual activity she became the target of control rather than the men.
One way to control the sexual behavior in women was to place judgments and values upon them if they engaged in any form of sexual activity outside the marriage. Slandering and even ostracizing them gradually became a strong measure in controlling their sexual behavior. While these measures were taken only with the women, the men were left as before to continue indulging in their sexual appetite. As time progressed and control over women became stronger, eventually the entire concept or idea of sexuality in women became a taboo.
The next question then is, if the women were being curbed or controlled into not having intercourse, who were the men having sex with? This particular problem led to subjugation or rendering of women to certain roles and classes within society. If a woman was single and was not a virgin or she was divorced from her husband or was unfaithful to him, she was immediately relegated to a lower class of women and was therefore shamed and looked down upon by others. Once these women lost their position in the strata of society, they became targets for sexual use and abuse.
Unfortunately, these damaging belief systems still prevail to this day. Even with the presence of contraceptives and all sorts of devices to control pregnancy, women who choose to be openly sexually active or are divorced are often labeled with negative and derogatory remarks. The fear of being slandered or even ostracized from the community is so strong within Iranian women that they often live with intense emotional and psychological pain. Worst yet, many of these women continue teaching these belief systems to their young daughters. As a result, generations of young girls are raised carrying much needless fear, guilt and shame around their own sexuality.
Because sexuality is a natural part of life, no matter how intensely we may want to inhibit it, it often comes out regardless. If this innate desire does not show itself with in the confines of sexuality, it will emerge somehow or somewhere in our lives. Unfortunately, when it is not given the proper avenue of expression it can and often does develop into neurotic or disorderly behaviors seen in other areas of life.
A common unhealthy behavior practiced among Iranian-American women is the tendency to be involved in sexual relations prior to marriage. On the prospect of marriage she pays a visit to the gynecologist and becomes a virgin again. Sadly, the psychological and emotional ramifications of this behavior have caused great pain to the women, their husbands and their families.
Since traditionally the premise on women's sexuality has been based on being non-sexual until marriage, if the woman has been active before marriage, a deep sense of guilt and shame prevails within her psyche. Not only has she gone against the grain of her culture but she is also starting her marriage with a lie. As a result, the foundation of the marriage is weakened and the marital bond is built on shaky ground.
One can see that this is a vicious cycle. If the woman is suffering so will her partner, and if the marriage is suffering so will the children and the extended families of both individuals.
On the same token, if the woman takes on the preferred or “correct” mannerism in regards to her sexuality, and stays a virgin until she is married, other psychological and emotional barriers are created. One of the common outcomes for women who have suppressed their sexuality or did not engage in any sexual behavior during the early to mid adulthood years is the prospect of becoming “frigid” or being intensely cold or indifferent towards engaging in any sexual activity.
Because men have historically not been subjected to having their sexual behavior curbed or controlled, they do not have the same or even similar issues as women. Most often, Iranian men are quite active before marriage and are often shocked or disappointed to find that their partner seems so cold and detached from her body. While society tells them it is good that they are with a virgin woman, their inner feelings may be contradictory to that belief. So again, either way one looks at this situation, it has become a dilemma for both the men as well as the women.
Of course in writing about and addressing some of the dilemmas created within our culture, I do not imply or suggest that taking part in the opposite behavior is what is considered to be better or even healthier. One can clearly see this in the greater American as well as the European culture. Because these Western cultures became aware of these issues caused by inhibiting sexuality, their natural reaction was to engage in free and uninhibited sexual activity starting in their early teen years. Unfortunately, this belief system has also proven to be unhealthy to the overall well being of most people living in these cultures.
In conclusion, virginity in Iranian women has been a major concern and a dilemma for many people and their families. Due to the fact that sexuality has not had a healthier or a more acceptable means of expression in this community, many people, as a result, have been engaging in adverse behaviors. These behaviors are causing various psychological and emotional problems in both Iranian women and men. Learning to talk about these issues and addressing them in healthier settings such as individual or group counseling can be a more effective approach in dealing with these problems.
By E Ezzati