Ground rules relationships

[Rasputin]

Ground rules in relationships are standards or guidelines of conduct that partners in close relationships agree to follow in order to minimize conflict.

Although people sometimes dislike the concept of rules for relationships, ground rules benefit relationship partners analogous to the way rules of the road benefit drivers. Ground rules allow relationship partners to coordinate their behaviors so they achieve shared goals with fewer conflicts. Some ground rules are universal in the sense they apply to virtually all relationships in a particular culture. Other ground rules apply to specific kinds of relationships, such as friendships or marriages. Still other ground rules are designed to manage romantic rivalry and jealousy. The ground rules adopted by sexually monogamous couples tend to prohibit behaviors that are viewed as acts of infidelity. The ground rules adopted by sexually open couples tend to prohibit behaviors that provoke jealousy. Partners may change the ground rules of their relationships over time.

People sometimes dislike the concept of rules in relationships. Rules are restrictive. Placing too many restrictions on personal relationships undermine individual freedom, threatening to smother individual identity and individual happiness. Individuals may feel suffocated by too many restrictions in their relationship.

Yet, relationship rules have clear benefits when used in moderation. The ground rules of relationships serve a function analogous to the rules of the road. [1] The rules of the road allow drivers to easily coordinate their behaviors so they can reach their destinations with fewer collisions. Ground rules similarly allow partners to easily coordinate their behaviors to achieve shared goals with fewer conflicts.

Argyle and colleagues have conducted studies indicating the existence of rules that apply to all relationships. For example, Argyle, Graham, Campbell, and White collected 124 possible rules for 25 different situations in a pilot study, then carried out a formal study to see if people endorsed some rules as applying to all situations. [2] The participants in their study did endorse some rules in all situations. These included rules such as "be polite" and "do not embarass others." In a subsequent study, Argyle, Henderson, Bond, Iizuka, and Contarello asked people to rate how strongly each of 40 or so rules applied to 22 different relationships. [3] For each relationship, the 40 or so rules consisted of 33 rules theorized to be universal rules and 5-10 rules theorized to be specific to that particular relationship. The following rules were widely endorsed as applying to all types of relationships:

seek to repay debts, favours or compliments, no matter how small
be emotionally supportive
respect the other's privacy
keep confidences
share news of success with the other person
do not criticize the other person in public
stand up for the other person in their absence
look the other person in the eye during conversation
address the other by their first name
do not engage in sexual activity with the other
The findings from these studies indicate that some relationship rules apply to all situations and all relationships. It is important to point out that relationship rules may be "universal" only within specific cultures or specific historical periods. When Argyle and colleagues looked at the same relationship rules in Hong Kong, Japan, and Italy, they observed cultural differences. For example, people from Hong Kong placed greater emphasis on respecting privacy, while people in Japan placed less emphasis on standing up for others in their absence. Relationship rules may be universal only in the sense that they apply to virtually all relationships within a given culture for a given historical period.

[Rasputin]

Specific relationship rules
[edit]
Friendship
Argyle and colleagues have conducted studies asking people to decide which rules apply to specific kinds of relationships. [1] The following were widely endorsed as rules of friendship:

seek to repay debts, favours, or compliments, no matter how small
be emotionally supportive
respect the other's privacy
keep confidences
share news of success with the other
do not criticize the other person in public
stand up for the other person in their absence
volunteer help in time of need
strive to make him/her happy while in each other's company
trust and confide in each other
do not nag
be tolerant of each other's friends
do not be jealous or critical of other relationships

[Rasputin]

Marriage
Neubeck, drawing on themes from previously published literature, has proposed three "ground rules" of traditional marriage: [4]

individuals enter marriage on a voluntary basis
marriage is a permanent relationship
in monogamous marriage one man is married to one woman
However, as Neubeck points out, these ground rules conflict with other cultural values and social trends. Although individuals enter marriage voluntarily, Western cultures place a high value on getting married. Although marriage is viewed as a permanent relationship, divorces are legal and common. Although marriage is supposed to be a monogamous relationship between a man and woman, two people cannot fulfill every need for one another, and married partners consequently turn to extramarital relationships to get their needs fulfilled.

Argyle and colleagues, based on studies asking people decide which rules apply to particular relationships, found that people endorsed a different sets of rules for wives and husbands. [1] The ten most important rules for wives included:

be emotionally supportive
be faithful
share news of success
respect the other's privacy
do not discuss that which is said in confidence with the other person
indulge in sexual activity
stand up for the other person in their absence
create a harmonious home atmosphere
address the other person by first name
give birthday cards and presents
The ten most important rules for husbands in the same study included:

look after the family when the wife is unwell
be emotionally supportive
show an interest in the wife's daily activities
create a harmonious home atmosphere
share news of success
be faithful
address the other person by first name
give birthday cards and presents
respect the other's privacy
be tolerant of the other

[Rasputin]

Monogamous couples
Sexually monogamous couples have ground rules limiting sexual behaviors with people outside their relationships. The main rule, of course, is not to engage in sexual activities with people outside the relationship. Other rules may be designed to prohibit behaviors that could ignite affection or sexual desire for other people. These rules are often made explicit in studies of infidelity. For example, studies have asked people if they would consider it an act of infidelity for their mates to engage in the following behaviors: [5] [6] [7] [8]

sharing deep emotional and/or intimate information with another person
going on a date (e.g., out to dinner or a movie) with another person
dancing with another person
flirting with another person
kissing another person
petting with another person
hot chatting with another person on the Internet
receiving pornographic pictures from another person via email
having cybersex with another person
going to strip clubs
People prohibit behaviors they view as acts of infidelity because such behaviors provoke jealousy, rivalry, and conflict. Prohibitions against these behaviors constitute the ground rules of their relationships. Couples may have different ground rules depending on which behaviors the individual partners view as acts of infidelity and agree to prohibit.

[Rasputin]

Sexually open couples
Couples in open marriages similarly use ground rules to restrict intimacy and sexual behavior with extramarital partners. These restrictions help couples manage romantic rivalry and jealousy:

"Sex outside the relationship is potentially very disruptive. It triggers people's insecurities and fears. Traditional marriages have dealt with this by ruling out non-monogamy. Couples who engage in open relationships formulate rules to guide their behavior, to make outside sex very predictable and orderly. These rules remind the partners that their relationship comes first and anything else must take second place." (Blumstein & Schwartz, 1983, page 268
"Respondents in the current study who are involved in open relationships stressed the importance of establishing ground rules for the conduct of sexual or romantic relationships outside the primary relationship. Ground rules serve to protect the primary relationship from the potential threat of outside relationships, to ease feelings of jealousy, and to promote honesty within the primary relationship." (Rust, 1996, page 488
"To help deal with the potentially divisive issue of jealousy, bisexuals in open relationships established ground rules." (Weinberg, Williams, & Pryor, 1995, page 110
"Many practitioners of negotiated nonmonogamy have little or no political critique of 'being a couple.' It seems that in the majority of examples I came across practitioners of nonmonogamy were pursuing the goal of being a couple while retaining sexual autonomy or, in the language of Janet Askham, of achieving the stability of a couple while developing their identity through other sexual relationships. Nonmonogamy was used as a badge of autonomy and the new pleasures explored were proclaimed as aspects of self-development while other exclusionary rules were used to sustain the stability of the couple by modifying other possibilities for autonomy and self-expression." (Jamieson, 2004, page 53
"The most common story of nonexclusive relationships told in our research is of commitment to emotionally monogamous, but often sexually open, partnerships, where sex outside the primary relationship is agreed but ground rules are put in place to protect the primary couple bond." (Heaphy, Donovan, & Weeks, 2004, page 173
Ground rules help couples in open marriages in many ways. They remind couples of the primary importance of their marriages compared to all other sexual relationships. They bring a reassuring sense of predictability to extramarital sexual relationships. They minimize events that trigger insecurities and fears. They promote more open communication. All these things help couples manage romantic rivalry and jealousy.

This does not mean all couples in open relationships have ground rules regarding extramarital sexual activities. Up to one-quarter of couples in open marriages claim to have no ground rules. Some couples who claim to have no ground rules truly allow one another to do whatever they want whenever they want. However, these "anything goes" relationships are rare. Most couples who claim to have no ground rules in fact have them. Couples may deny having ground rules because they do not explicitly discuss what the rules should be. They establish ground rules implicitly, drawing inferences from the words, emotions, and body gestures of their partners over the course of many conversations. Consequently, they do not recognize their ground rules as rules. Couples may also deny having ground rules because the very concept of rules conflicts with their philosophy of freedom in relationships. Jamieson observes:

"Sometimes the makers of such arrangements nevertheless make political claims concerning the importance of de-emphasizing possessiveness or the couple relationship, despite the fact that the rules are designed to sustain the exclusivity of the couple." (Jamieson, 2004, page 44

Couples who want to de-emphasize possessiveness and emphasize personal freedom may prefer to view themselves as having "understandings" with their partners or "choosing" not to do things they know would hurt their partners. These understandings and choices serve the same function as ground rules whether or not they are labeled as ground rules. Regardless of the reasons why couples may deny having ground rules, such couples represent a minority. The majority of couples in open marriages report having ground rules and recognize the importance of ground rules in managing jealousy and conflict.

Examples of ground rules for sexually open relationships abound. The following ground rules have been mentioned in previous studies:
do not bring home a sexually transmitted disease (i.e., practice safer sex)
do not become too involved with outside partners
do not spend too much time with outside partners
never have sex with the same person twice (i.e., allow only one-night stands)
never have sex with someone else in the couple's home or the couple's bed
never have sex with mutual friends
introduce your spouse to all outside partners
never reveal the identities of outside partners
only have sex with outside partners who are themselves involved in committed open relationships
sex with outside partners is only allowed at sex parties.
sex with outside partners is only allowed in three-ways (i.e., when both spouses are present)
tell each other everything that happens with outside partners
keep what happens with outside partners invisible to your spouse
always tell your spouse before having sex with an outside partner
sex with outside partners is always subject to the approval of one's spouse (i.e., a spouse has veto power)
do not let children, neighbors, or family find out
primary value is placed on maintaining the marriage
These ground rules by no means constitute an exhaustive list. An exhaustive list could easily include dozens, if not hundreds, of rules. Readers interested in finding additional examples of ground rules may want to visit Web sites devoted to polyamory or swinging.

[Rasputin]

Changing the rules
A few investigators have noted that couples sometimes change their ground rules over time. Rust offers the following advice:

"Finally, the partners should discuss the possibility that they will have to revise their rules as their relationship develops. At least they should agree that, if either partner becomes dissatisfied with the rules, then that partner should communicate dissatisfaction to the other. Rules are conservative in the sense that they do not change unless they are intentionally changed; relationships, on the other hand, grow and change seemingly without any conscious intent on anyone's part. It is important that the lines of communication be kept open to allow this growth and change to take place and to permit adjustment of the rules as the relationship changes." (Rust, 1996, pages 492-493)

Relationships are simply too complex to expect a set of ground rules to apply for life. Each partner in a relationship grows and changes, which can make some ground rules obsolete and require new ground rules to be established. The situations partners face also change over time. New situations may require abandoning some ground rules and formulating other ground rules.

[Rasputin]

Breaking the rules
People do not always follow the ground rules to which they agree. Weinberg, Williams, and Pryor report:

"Despite the time and energy given to negotiating rules for open relationships, we found that even when they existed and were agreed on, they were not always followed. Rules concerning time allocation were broken most often. Those with an established time schedule cited certain problems: e.g., when something spontaneous happened or unforeseen circumstances arose or if they forgot or lost track of time. Others simply did not take the rules very seriously. In the words of two interviewees: 'If I'm turned on to somebody I go ahead regardless of the rules;' 'I break them whenever I choose.'" (Weinberg, Williams, & Pryor, 1995, page 113).

Breaking ground rules, especially ground rules that manage romantic rivalries, can have serious consequences for relationships. Some partners interpret violations of ground rules as acts of infidelity, the equivalent of having illicit affairs or cheating.

[Sepideh_UK]

Thanx.

[Rasputin]

Good to read for all of you .