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How to Deal With Impossible People
We all know impossible people. They tend to share three main characteristics - they cannot be reasoned with, they believe they can do no wrong, and they are convinced that everything is someone else's fault. If you haven't had some first-hand experience in dealing with such people, even a brief conversation can raise your blood pressure through the roof. Here are some insights and steps for dealing with these highly difficult people.
Steps
Recognize that impossible people exist, you will eventually encounter them. There isn't a thing you can do about it. The first step is all about facing reality: If you think you might be dealing with an impossible person, you're probably right. When in doubt, proceed as instructed below. The headaches you save will be your own.
Be aware that some people simply aren't compatible. Sometimes, a person who gets along with everybody else quite well is an impossible person for you. Most relationships between people contain many shades of gray, but some people simply mix as well as oil and water. It is common to hear your impossible person proclaim that "Everyone else likes me." This is an attempt to shift the blame to you, so don't buy it. It doesn't matter how this person interacts with others. The fact is, the way they interact with you is terrible. Blame never changes the facts.
Understand that it's not you, it's them. This can be surprisingly difficult, considering that impossible people have complete mastery of blaming skills. If you're dealing with an impossible person, you're probably being told on a regular basis that every conceivable thing is your fault. It isn't. As the saying goes, "It takes two to tango." Chances are, the more often they blame you, the more they are actually at fault. Keep in mind that this is not to be used as a way to blame them. Blaming is what impossible people do, and they do it well. Instead, you are only facing the facts, for your own sake. That being said, here's a simple way to tell: If you accept responsibility for your own faults and resolve to improve yourself, it's probably not you. Remember, impossible people can do no wrong.
Realize that you cannot deal with impossible people the same way you deal with everyone else. In some ways, they need to be treated like children. Give up all hope of engaging these folks in any kind of reasonable conversation. It will never happen, at least with you. Remember what happened the last fifty times you tried to have a civilized discussion about the status of your relationship with this person. Chances are, every such attempt ended in you being blamed for everything. Decide now to quit banging your head against a brick wall.
Protect your self-esteem. If you have regular dealings with someone who tries to portray you as the source of all evil, you need to take active steps to maintain a positive self-image. Remind yourself that this person's opinion is not necessarily the truth. Understand that oftentimes, impossible people are particularly "Fact-challenged." If the attacks have little basis in fact, dismiss them. You can't possibly be as bad as this person would like you to believe you are. Do NOT defend yourself out loud, however. It will only provoke the impossible person into another tirade.
Guard against anger. If it helps, consider the fact that your anger is actually a precious gift to the impossible person. Anything you do or say while angry will be used against you over and over again. Impossible people tend to have amazing memories, and they will not hesitate to use a nearly endless laundry list of complaints from the past against you. Five years from now, you could be hearing about the angry remark you made today (which you didn't even mean). Impossible people will seize anything that provides them the opportunity to lay blame like it was gold.
Give up self-defense. Understand very clearly that you cannot beat these people. They're called impossible for a reason. In their minds, you are the source of all wrongdoing, and nothing you can say is going to make them consider your side of the story. Your opinion is of no consequence, because you are already guilty, no matter what. If you tell them that you gave a million dollars to charity, they will say that you did it because you have a guilty conscience. If you tell them you discovered the cure for cancer, they will tell you that you just wanted the attention. There is no winning. Nothing you can do will be good enough. Anything positive you say about yourself will be interpreted as boorish bragging or self-justification, and you will be promptly "smacked back down to size" by a litany of negative comments and accusations. Impossible people view it as their sacred task to make sure you don't get the idea that you are worth anything, and they will act accordingly.
Tips
If you think you might be an impossible person yourself (or you have become one with regard to the other person), realize just how awful you are being and try to improve yourself. Then again, if you are really an impossible person, you won't even recognize yourself here. To you, this page will be all about "the other guy." For the incorrigible impossible person, everything is always about "the other guy." If you're reading this page and thinking "Hey, that sounds just like (insert name of person you blame for everything)," you're probably one of the people we are talking about here (although you could never admit it).
If nothing else helps, resolve to treat your experiences with impossible people as valuable life lessons. Realize that after dealing with them for a while, getting along with everyone else will be a cakewalk. You are getting a free education in how to deal with the most difficult people out there. Although it is unpleasant now, the lessons you learn are going to be invaluable later in life.
It may also help to call a spade a spade and realize that you are dealing with an emotional abuser. More helpful information can be found in literature on that topic.
If you're having trouble coping, seek therapy. Keep in mind that therapy doesn't always involve sitting down in front of a psychiatrist or psychologist. Do that if you need to, but don't hesitate to create your own forms of therapy as well. Journaling can be good, or (for example), you may even find therapeutic value in writing or editing a WikiHow about dealing with difficult people.
Consider responding with kindness. Be kind and friendly to them. Now, don't wait on them hand and foot, they will immediately take advantage of this, but treat them like you would a good acquaintance or a friend. Everyone wants attention from others, and usually these people couldn't get any positive attention during the course of their life, so they instead act like a jerk to receive negative attention, but at least people now notice them. If they are wanting friendship, but don't know how to get it, and you are friendly to them, then they will appreciate what you are doing, and, best case scenario, they will change. If they are just a natural jerk who loves to make others mad, then what you are doing will enrage them because they can't figure out how to make you mad, eventually they will leave you alone.
Some impossible people will see your kindness as a willingness to do any favor they ask. When this happens, kindly and regrettfully say no, citing your reasons for denial. DO NOT LIE. Better to be vague about your reasons. Lying, if discovered, will exacerbate your problems with this person.
Warnings
Do not make impossible people angry; although they (of course) "have no temper" and are "reasonable to everybody," the fact is that if you enrage them, they will blow their stack like you can't believe. Your own moments of frustration with them will pale in comparison. Don't give them a reason. Instead, treat them like patients or children, but do it subtly (in such a way that they can't lash out at you for being "condescending"). This takes practice, but it is a skill worth developing.
If for some reason, you are able to convince impossible people with irrefutable evidence that they (and they alone) are at fault, then there is a possibility that they will completely "crash" in the other direction, expressing the belief that if they are not 50% right, then they must be 100% wrong all the time. This is a coping mechanism of theirs which attempts to encourage others around them to feel sympathy for them and build them back up.
Never tell others how you feel about this person. If the person, to whom you tell about the impossible behaviour of this impossible person, shares the same views as you have, then it is quite possible that this person might spread the chat you had with him/her. Then, when it reaches the ears of the impossible person in this case, regardless of the media by which this knowledge reaches him, he will make every possible attempt to degrade your image, because he will know who started it.
NEVER confront an impossible person with the fact that they are the chief source of the problem. Keep it to yourself, or you will unleash a flood of denial and blame.
Be careful with non-verbal gestures, as they may bring about misconceptions.
Do not attempt to make any physical contact with the person; a mere pat on the back may aggravate even the most mild-mannered impossible person.
Don't show this page (or any other similar advice) to impossible people in an attempt to convince them of how difficult they are. Again (and it bears repeating), you can't convince them of diddly-squat. Any attempt whatsoever to do so will only result in you getting blasted with another tirade, which will create more resentment against you and compound the problem.
Steps
Recognize that impossible people exist, you will eventually encounter them. There isn't a thing you can do about it. The first step is all about facing reality: If you think you might be dealing with an impossible person, you're probably right. When in doubt, proceed as instructed below. The headaches you save will be your own.
Be aware that some people simply aren't compatible. Sometimes, a person who gets along with everybody else quite well is an impossible person for you. Most relationships between people contain many shades of gray, but some people simply mix as well as oil and water. It is common to hear your impossible person proclaim that "Everyone else likes me." This is an attempt to shift the blame to you, so don't buy it. It doesn't matter how this person interacts with others. The fact is, the way they interact with you is terrible. Blame never changes the facts.
Understand that it's not you, it's them. This can be surprisingly difficult, considering that impossible people have complete mastery of blaming skills. If you're dealing with an impossible person, you're probably being told on a regular basis that every conceivable thing is your fault. It isn't. As the saying goes, "It takes two to tango." Chances are, the more often they blame you, the more they are actually at fault. Keep in mind that this is not to be used as a way to blame them. Blaming is what impossible people do, and they do it well. Instead, you are only facing the facts, for your own sake. That being said, here's a simple way to tell: If you accept responsibility for your own faults and resolve to improve yourself, it's probably not you. Remember, impossible people can do no wrong.
Realize that you cannot deal with impossible people the same way you deal with everyone else. In some ways, they need to be treated like children. Give up all hope of engaging these folks in any kind of reasonable conversation. It will never happen, at least with you. Remember what happened the last fifty times you tried to have a civilized discussion about the status of your relationship with this person. Chances are, every such attempt ended in you being blamed for everything. Decide now to quit banging your head against a brick wall.
Protect your self-esteem. If you have regular dealings with someone who tries to portray you as the source of all evil, you need to take active steps to maintain a positive self-image. Remind yourself that this person's opinion is not necessarily the truth. Understand that oftentimes, impossible people are particularly "Fact-challenged." If the attacks have little basis in fact, dismiss them. You can't possibly be as bad as this person would like you to believe you are. Do NOT defend yourself out loud, however. It will only provoke the impossible person into another tirade.
Guard against anger. If it helps, consider the fact that your anger is actually a precious gift to the impossible person. Anything you do or say while angry will be used against you over and over again. Impossible people tend to have amazing memories, and they will not hesitate to use a nearly endless laundry list of complaints from the past against you. Five years from now, you could be hearing about the angry remark you made today (which you didn't even mean). Impossible people will seize anything that provides them the opportunity to lay blame like it was gold.
Give up self-defense. Understand very clearly that you cannot beat these people. They're called impossible for a reason. In their minds, you are the source of all wrongdoing, and nothing you can say is going to make them consider your side of the story. Your opinion is of no consequence, because you are already guilty, no matter what. If you tell them that you gave a million dollars to charity, they will say that you did it because you have a guilty conscience. If you tell them you discovered the cure for cancer, they will tell you that you just wanted the attention. There is no winning. Nothing you can do will be good enough. Anything positive you say about yourself will be interpreted as boorish bragging or self-justification, and you will be promptly "smacked back down to size" by a litany of negative comments and accusations. Impossible people view it as their sacred task to make sure you don't get the idea that you are worth anything, and they will act accordingly.
Tips
If you think you might be an impossible person yourself (or you have become one with regard to the other person), realize just how awful you are being and try to improve yourself. Then again, if you are really an impossible person, you won't even recognize yourself here. To you, this page will be all about "the other guy." For the incorrigible impossible person, everything is always about "the other guy." If you're reading this page and thinking "Hey, that sounds just like (insert name of person you blame for everything)," you're probably one of the people we are talking about here (although you could never admit it).
If nothing else helps, resolve to treat your experiences with impossible people as valuable life lessons. Realize that after dealing with them for a while, getting along with everyone else will be a cakewalk. You are getting a free education in how to deal with the most difficult people out there. Although it is unpleasant now, the lessons you learn are going to be invaluable later in life.
It may also help to call a spade a spade and realize that you are dealing with an emotional abuser. More helpful information can be found in literature on that topic.
If you're having trouble coping, seek therapy. Keep in mind that therapy doesn't always involve sitting down in front of a psychiatrist or psychologist. Do that if you need to, but don't hesitate to create your own forms of therapy as well. Journaling can be good, or (for example), you may even find therapeutic value in writing or editing a WikiHow about dealing with difficult people.
Consider responding with kindness. Be kind and friendly to them. Now, don't wait on them hand and foot, they will immediately take advantage of this, but treat them like you would a good acquaintance or a friend. Everyone wants attention from others, and usually these people couldn't get any positive attention during the course of their life, so they instead act like a jerk to receive negative attention, but at least people now notice them. If they are wanting friendship, but don't know how to get it, and you are friendly to them, then they will appreciate what you are doing, and, best case scenario, they will change. If they are just a natural jerk who loves to make others mad, then what you are doing will enrage them because they can't figure out how to make you mad, eventually they will leave you alone.
Some impossible people will see your kindness as a willingness to do any favor they ask. When this happens, kindly and regrettfully say no, citing your reasons for denial. DO NOT LIE. Better to be vague about your reasons. Lying, if discovered, will exacerbate your problems with this person.
Warnings
Do not make impossible people angry; although they (of course) "have no temper" and are "reasonable to everybody," the fact is that if you enrage them, they will blow their stack like you can't believe. Your own moments of frustration with them will pale in comparison. Don't give them a reason. Instead, treat them like patients or children, but do it subtly (in such a way that they can't lash out at you for being "condescending"). This takes practice, but it is a skill worth developing.
If for some reason, you are able to convince impossible people with irrefutable evidence that they (and they alone) are at fault, then there is a possibility that they will completely "crash" in the other direction, expressing the belief that if they are not 50% right, then they must be 100% wrong all the time. This is a coping mechanism of theirs which attempts to encourage others around them to feel sympathy for them and build them back up.
Never tell others how you feel about this person. If the person, to whom you tell about the impossible behaviour of this impossible person, shares the same views as you have, then it is quite possible that this person might spread the chat you had with him/her. Then, when it reaches the ears of the impossible person in this case, regardless of the media by which this knowledge reaches him, he will make every possible attempt to degrade your image, because he will know who started it.
NEVER confront an impossible person with the fact that they are the chief source of the problem. Keep it to yourself, or you will unleash a flood of denial and blame.
Be careful with non-verbal gestures, as they may bring about misconceptions.
Do not attempt to make any physical contact with the person; a mere pat on the back may aggravate even the most mild-mannered impossible person.
Don't show this page (or any other similar advice) to impossible people in an attempt to convince them of how difficult they are. Again (and it bears repeating), you can't convince them of diddly-squat. Any attempt whatsoever to do so will only result in you getting blasted with another tirade, which will create more resentment against you and compound the problem.
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