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How to Deal With Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse needs to be dealt with as soon as you realize what's happening, and it needs to be addressed by both partners in the relationship.
Steps
Make new agreements with clear consequences. Decide as a couple that you're going to learn a new way of being in a relationship with one another. (Abuse most often exists because both partners don't know a healthy way to relate) Make an agreement that from this day forth, that there will be no calling names, screaming in the other's face, spitting, throwing objects, etc. and that if either partner breaks the agreement, there will be a very stiff consequence-- preferrably an ending of the relationship.
Set boundaries. Abuse, in general, is an issue that involves trespass and poor boundaries. If you are on the receiving end of abuse, it's up to you to set up clear boundaries and stick to them. Let your partner know that you realize you've been allowing this behavior by not ending the relationship when abuse occurs.
Develop emotional intelligence. In cases of abuse, both partners are often unknowingly stuffing important emotions. Receivers of abuse are often uncomfortable expressing their authentic anger, which is necessary to establish boundaries. Abusers are often expressing fear, not anger, when abusing. It is the "Fight" fear response that is coming through (as in "Fight or Flight"), and in order to end abuse, both partners must be willing to learn new ways of feeling and expressing their true emotions, and end the pattern of blaming, shaming, and punishing.
Understand the Dynamics of Relationship. Relationships are our highest learning playground. We're attracted to our partners for reasons related to our highest learning. The one we're with has the most to teach us, and often bugs us the most. If you feel that it's safe to stay and learn with your partner, then take a good look at the dynamics that are playing out that have something to teach you. If you feel you need to end it, then reflect back on what you might learn about the relationship patterns that were in place. The learning may be about valuing yourself, unwinding old traumas, or expressing emotions healthfully.
Source your safety. It's easy to think that your partner is in charge of your safety depending on their behavior, but this is not true. You are the only one who can create safety for yourself. You do this by making choices. You have an innate navigational system within yourself that allows you to make decisions which feel right for you, and which will keep you safe and happy. When you learn to pay attention to your body's wisdom, you will know which choices are life affirming, and which ones will drain you of your energy or create chaos.
Get some coaching. Find a relationship coach who can help you with this issue. It is possible for both partners to unwind emotional abuse if they choose to. Finding a great support system, preferrably one that utilizes a holistic, no-blame approach to healing domestic violence will create a healthy and successful environment for learning and healing.
Tips
Be firm and clear with requests to make serious changes in your relationship.
Choose to see yourself and your partner as good people who simply do not know a healthy way to relate. If you knew how to relate healthfully, you would do it. Simply make a commitment to yourself to learn what it is you need to know to create a loving, healthy, vibrant relationship. Blaming yourself or others is optional and only keeps the dynamic of punishment going.
For assistance in finding a coach in your area (Or a phone coach) trained to successfully assist individuals and couples in this area, go to www.hendricks.com and click on Referrals. Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks are the premier teachers of coaches who have the holistic training necessary to help end the issue of abuse. (The author is a trained Hendricks coach who specializes in abuse)
Warnings
If you choose to end an abusive relationship, be sure to have a good support system in place, and pay attention to all of the choices you need to make to stay safe.
Steps
Make new agreements with clear consequences. Decide as a couple that you're going to learn a new way of being in a relationship with one another. (Abuse most often exists because both partners don't know a healthy way to relate) Make an agreement that from this day forth, that there will be no calling names, screaming in the other's face, spitting, throwing objects, etc. and that if either partner breaks the agreement, there will be a very stiff consequence-- preferrably an ending of the relationship.
Set boundaries. Abuse, in general, is an issue that involves trespass and poor boundaries. If you are on the receiving end of abuse, it's up to you to set up clear boundaries and stick to them. Let your partner know that you realize you've been allowing this behavior by not ending the relationship when abuse occurs.
Develop emotional intelligence. In cases of abuse, both partners are often unknowingly stuffing important emotions. Receivers of abuse are often uncomfortable expressing their authentic anger, which is necessary to establish boundaries. Abusers are often expressing fear, not anger, when abusing. It is the "Fight" fear response that is coming through (as in "Fight or Flight"), and in order to end abuse, both partners must be willing to learn new ways of feeling and expressing their true emotions, and end the pattern of blaming, shaming, and punishing.
Understand the Dynamics of Relationship. Relationships are our highest learning playground. We're attracted to our partners for reasons related to our highest learning. The one we're with has the most to teach us, and often bugs us the most. If you feel that it's safe to stay and learn with your partner, then take a good look at the dynamics that are playing out that have something to teach you. If you feel you need to end it, then reflect back on what you might learn about the relationship patterns that were in place. The learning may be about valuing yourself, unwinding old traumas, or expressing emotions healthfully.
Source your safety. It's easy to think that your partner is in charge of your safety depending on their behavior, but this is not true. You are the only one who can create safety for yourself. You do this by making choices. You have an innate navigational system within yourself that allows you to make decisions which feel right for you, and which will keep you safe and happy. When you learn to pay attention to your body's wisdom, you will know which choices are life affirming, and which ones will drain you of your energy or create chaos.
Get some coaching. Find a relationship coach who can help you with this issue. It is possible for both partners to unwind emotional abuse if they choose to. Finding a great support system, preferrably one that utilizes a holistic, no-blame approach to healing domestic violence will create a healthy and successful environment for learning and healing.
Tips
Be firm and clear with requests to make serious changes in your relationship.
Choose to see yourself and your partner as good people who simply do not know a healthy way to relate. If you knew how to relate healthfully, you would do it. Simply make a commitment to yourself to learn what it is you need to know to create a loving, healthy, vibrant relationship. Blaming yourself or others is optional and only keeps the dynamic of punishment going.
For assistance in finding a coach in your area (Or a phone coach) trained to successfully assist individuals and couples in this area, go to www.hendricks.com and click on Referrals. Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks are the premier teachers of coaches who have the holistic training necessary to help end the issue of abuse. (The author is a trained Hendricks coach who specializes in abuse)
Warnings
If you choose to end an abusive relationship, be sure to have a good support system in place, and pay attention to all of the choices you need to make to stay safe.