After reading Siamak Bianemiri’s account as being as an outcast 30-something Eye-ranian-American barman in Tehrangeles amongst the plastic Roonis, consisting of Sherries’, Bettys’ and Bobby-Babaks, it rung a bell about the equally insane Irooni community we have in London, errm, actually, let me correct myself, even more insane Irooni community we have in the land of warm beer, unpredictable weather and unlimited cups of tea and Hugh Grant films. You just have to walk into an Iranian shop, party, boutique, hairdressers, surgery, etc., just to have a taste of the deevoonity we have to live with. I’m talking about level 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 Iranians in this country. Oh, sorry, aren’t you familiar with the 6 levels? Let me enlighten you.
-Level 1 Iranians are the ones who have either been born here or spent most of there lives in England, speak with a perfect BBC English accent, and an equally impressive Persian accent, studying Medicine/Dentistry/History/Law in one of the top ten universities in the country, yeah, King’s College ROCKS!, and have a tough time trying to teach their English friends how to pronounce Khashayar. They go out with a fellow Level 1 Iranians and keep trying to convert Level 4 Iranians into Level 1 Iranians and hate Level 5 Iranians. They keep telling everyone about the glorious past of Iran and how they’re going to serve military service and return back to their homeland. They went out with a Level 6 Iranian and have regretted it since. And oh yeah, they hate Arabs.
-Level 2 Iranians are the ones who were either born here or spent most of their lives in England, speak English with a Persian accent and Persian with a English accent. Trust me, there is an army of them. They go out with fellow level 2, 3 and 4 Iranians and don’t believe that Level 5 Iranians exist. They visit Iran every year but would never return. The guys boast how many girls they’ve slept with, and the girls claim that they’re virgins. These Rooni are really messed up, nobody accepts them because they don’t fit anywhere. They tried talking to level 6 Iranians, but stopped after they had a restraining order of 100 metres, when they were accused by Level 6 Iranians of stalking them.
-Level 3 Iranians are the ones who have been here half there lives who speak English with a Persian accent and speak with a perfect Persian accent. They work in mobile telephone shops, pizza or fried chicken restaurants, call themselves either Sam (Saman), Sean (Shahin) or Bobby (Babak), have a blond, ugly Polish girlfriend, and drive a J Rej 318 BMW with M3 alloys, and live in Ealing. They hate Level 1 Iranians because they have no problem speaking English and Persian properly, and love to show off to Level 4 and 5 Iranians. They have absolutely no idea about current politics in Iran.
-Level 4 Iranians are the ones who have been born here or have spent most of there lives in England, speak very little Persian, but English with either a BBC accent. They are currently working for Rothchild’s/Jp Morgan, they stick with their archaic Persian names, but use the European version; Darius/Cyrus/Xerxes etc. They live in Kensington and hate their ex-girlfriend/boyfriend who was a Level 1 Iranian. They went to Oxford or Cambridge and when they get drunk talk about the Social-Political-Economical-Religious aspects of the Iranian revolution.
-Level 5 Iranians are the ones who live in the middle of nowhere in England, speak absolutely no Persian whatsoever, are actually probably half-Persian. They went to a university again in the middle of nowhere (Northumbria) studied Media and when came across another Irooni, the first thing they said in their English-accented Persian "Faasi baladee? Pedrosag!! HAHAHAH!!! I can swear in Faasi", No, pathetic. You probably don’t even know where Iran is, and embarrassed yourself when you tried to talk to your grandad on the phone, and gave him a heartattack after he realised you couldn’t speak a word of Persian, and what the hell do you mean you don’t like Kabob, SHAME ON YOU! The guys go out with Catherines and the girls go out with Roberts. They hate Level 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 Iranians and have never heard of Level 6 Iranians.
-Level 6 Iranians are the one who were born in Iran but came here when they were 2, returned back to Iran when they were 8, came back to London when they were 10, went back to Iran when they were 11, and came back to London when they were 16. They speak like Level 1 Iranians, however, have absolutely no idea who Pulp/Oasis/2-Pac were, and you wonder how they can speak English with such a perfect accent but pronounce the word ‘whore" like "wore". They find many similarities with Level 1 Iranians but ironically more English them. These Roonis have the biggest identity crisis out of all the Levels. (Manufacturers Warning: Do not approach in any circumstance unless wearing anti-Nuclear clothing and holding a pepper spray. Are known to be paranoid-bi-polar-obsessive-borderline-personality-schzinophrenics. DO NOT ask them out on dates. DO NOT ask for their phone number. If approached try to look calm, Level 6 Iranians can smell fear. Put on a fake French accent and politely tell them that you have to see your doctor about your halitosis problem, and quietly walk away. I am not joking around, I actually made the mistake of going out with one of these.
There are more sub-catogries in each of these levels, but I really can’t be bothered to list them.
-Level 1 Iranians are the ones who have either been born here or spent most of there lives in England, speak with a perfect BBC English accent, and an equally impressive Persian accent, studying Medicine/Dentistry/History/Law in one of the top ten universities in the country, yeah, King’s College ROCKS!, and have a tough time trying to teach their English friends how to pronounce Khashayar. They go out with a fellow Level 1 Iranians and keep trying to convert Level 4 Iranians into Level 1 Iranians and hate Level 5 Iranians. They keep telling everyone about the glorious past of Iran and how they’re going to serve military service and return back to their homeland. They went out with a Level 6 Iranian and have regretted it since. And oh yeah, they hate Arabs.
-Level 2 Iranians are the ones who were either born here or spent most of their lives in England, speak English with a Persian accent and Persian with a English accent. Trust me, there is an army of them. They go out with fellow level 2, 3 and 4 Iranians and don’t believe that Level 5 Iranians exist. They visit Iran every year but would never return. The guys boast how many girls they’ve slept with, and the girls claim that they’re virgins. These Rooni are really messed up, nobody accepts them because they don’t fit anywhere. They tried talking to level 6 Iranians, but stopped after they had a restraining order of 100 metres, when they were accused by Level 6 Iranians of stalking them.
-Level 3 Iranians are the ones who have been here half there lives who speak English with a Persian accent and speak with a perfect Persian accent. They work in mobile telephone shops, pizza or fried chicken restaurants, call themselves either Sam (Saman), Sean (Shahin) or Bobby (Babak), have a blond, ugly Polish girlfriend, and drive a J Rej 318 BMW with M3 alloys, and live in Ealing. They hate Level 1 Iranians because they have no problem speaking English and Persian properly, and love to show off to Level 4 and 5 Iranians. They have absolutely no idea about current politics in Iran.
-Level 4 Iranians are the ones who have been born here or have spent most of there lives in England, speak very little Persian, but English with either a BBC accent. They are currently working for Rothchild’s/Jp Morgan, they stick with their archaic Persian names, but use the European version; Darius/Cyrus/Xerxes etc. They live in Kensington and hate their ex-girlfriend/boyfriend who was a Level 1 Iranian. They went to Oxford or Cambridge and when they get drunk talk about the Social-Political-Economical-Religious aspects of the Iranian revolution.
-Level 5 Iranians are the ones who live in the middle of nowhere in England, speak absolutely no Persian whatsoever, are actually probably half-Persian. They went to a university again in the middle of nowhere (Northumbria) studied Media and when came across another Irooni, the first thing they said in their English-accented Persian "Faasi baladee? Pedrosag!! HAHAHAH!!! I can swear in Faasi", No, pathetic. You probably don’t even know where Iran is, and embarrassed yourself when you tried to talk to your grandad on the phone, and gave him a heartattack after he realised you couldn’t speak a word of Persian, and what the hell do you mean you don’t like Kabob, SHAME ON YOU! The guys go out with Catherines and the girls go out with Roberts. They hate Level 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 Iranians and have never heard of Level 6 Iranians.
-Level 6 Iranians are the one who were born in Iran but came here when they were 2, returned back to Iran when they were 8, came back to London when they were 10, went back to Iran when they were 11, and came back to London when they were 16. They speak like Level 1 Iranians, however, have absolutely no idea who Pulp/Oasis/2-Pac were, and you wonder how they can speak English with such a perfect accent but pronounce the word ‘whore" like "wore". They find many similarities with Level 1 Iranians but ironically more English them. These Roonis have the biggest identity crisis out of all the Levels. (Manufacturers Warning: Do not approach in any circumstance unless wearing anti-Nuclear clothing and holding a pepper spray. Are known to be paranoid-bi-polar-obsessive-borderline-personality-schzinophrenics. DO NOT ask them out on dates. DO NOT ask for their phone number. If approached try to look calm, Level 6 Iranians can smell fear. Put on a fake French accent and politely tell them that you have to see your doctor about your halitosis problem, and quietly walk away. I am not joking around, I actually made the mistake of going out with one of these.
There are more sub-catogries in each of these levels, but I really can’t be bothered to list them.
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