Bedroom Do’s and Don’ts
Excerpt
Male superiority was a sine qua non, also in sexual matters.(1) Women were on the receiving end; they were dominated by their underlying position by the man, and this showed who was in charge. Because marriage gives the man the right to have sex with his wife, a woman can neither leave her husband’s bed when she has been invited nor refuse to come; she even has to cut her prayers short when he wants to sleep with her.(2) Furthermore, because a man has paid for his wife, (although payment of the mahr usually takes place on divorce), only he has the right to decide when and how he wants to have sex, which he also might want for medical reasons.(3) For only men are allowed to show sexual desire, also towards women with whom they are not married. If the latter happens the man will not be blamed, but the woman is, because she should not have found herself in a situation where another man could approach her. Moreover, there still is a strong belief that girls and women cannot say no to a man, if she happens to be alone with a man. The author of the Qabus-nameh wrote: “You must realize that a woman cannot steadfastly resist a man, however old or ugly he may be; so admit no male slave into the women’s apartments, even though he is black, old and ugly.”(4) The belief that women are unable to withstand a man’s charms, because of her insatiable lust, was reinforced by the fact that, according to Imam Reza, women are 99 times lustier than men.(5) This belief was further enhanced by popular tales that confirmed and endorsed such attitudes. For example, in the popular tale of Hoseyn-e Kurd, the daughter of his captor, Sonbol, helps him escape because her father wants to kill him. Her motive was, as she told Hoseyn: “I will sacrifice myself for your handsome face and your shaved [and therefore appealing] penis.”(6) This probably was as much male boasting as it was male uncertainty given their endless search for penis enhancement, about which later. Although allegedly much lustier than a man, a woman cannot show desire, even in marriage. She must follow and react to her husband’s moves, which are aimed to reveal “the latent erotic powers of the woman. Only he arouses the desire of the woman and fulfills it. The woman before his intervention would not be able to desire; afterward she could not remain insensible without frustrating him in the result he expects from an act whose sole author he considers himself.”(7)
But even if a man has been overcome by sexual desire he just cannot give in to his lust. For even when you are married, as a Moslem, you have to respect certain religious rules concerning if and when you may have sexual intercourse with your wife or slave girl. For example, it is unlawful to have intercourse with a woman during menstruation or who has a female complaint.(8 ) However, there are other constraints. Intercourse on the first night of the month, the last night of the month and the middle night of the month is considered to be an abomination by the jurists, because during those nights Satan is present during intercourse. Also, while having sex, one should neither face nor have one’s back towards the qiblah or the prayer direction, while in general the place where the sexual act takes place should be carefully chosen; e.g. not on the roof or under a fruit tree.(9) For a woman there is an additional impediment, for she cannot have intercourse with a male slave. Finally, incest is not allowed, which means that sexual relations with any of the so-called maharem, the close relatives, such as the father’s wife, the wife’s mother and the wife’s sister and daughter, is forbidden. (10)
Once these impediments have been taken into account intercourse may begin. However, here the believer is counseled to behave properly, for sexual intercourse is after all sanctioned by religion and therefore, its spirit should guide one’s behavior, including when having sex. The man is therefore given the very appropriate advice to “begin by pleasing her with talk, play, kisses, and embraces.”(11) If this were not convincing enough the jurists have adduced a Tradition that makes these things even clearer and moreover have the additional weight of the Prophet’s own words:
The Prophet said, ‘A man should not fall on his wife as on a mule; he must send a messenger before he lies with her.’ They asked, ‘O Prophet of God, what is this messenger?’ He replied, ‘A kiss.’ Then when he wishes to begin he should say, ‘In the name of God, Sublime and Mighty; God is Great, God is Great, God is Great.’ … At the time of ejaculation he should think of this verse: ‘Praise be to God; It is he who hath created man of water, and has made him to bear the double relation of consanguinity and affinity’ (25:56), and then wait till the woman also ejaculates. For the Prophet said, ‘Three things are weakness in a man: … third, that he becomes busy with intercourse before kissing and embracing, and when his need is satisfied not wait until the woman’s need is also satisfied.’”(12)
Such an advice would not be out of place in modern ‘How to have good sex’ manuals, although the approach is rather one-sided, i.e. only the male has the initiative. Although Imam ‘Ali allegedly advised men to take heed and realize that women have sexual needs, having sex with one’s wife, according to the prophet Mohammad, is like giving alms (sadaqeh), which puts it in a slightly different perspective.(13) Moslem authors certainly took their cue from this and other Traditions. The Qabus-nameh counsels:
Do not have intercourse when you are drunk, for it may have detrimental effects. Moreover, it sets man apart from beast, when he selects both the time and proper season for intercourse, and is not ruled by passion. During the height of cold and warm season it was better not to have intercourse, in particular older men, on whom it could have a deleterious effect. Spring was the best season, when like the world, the body renews its vigor, “the blood in the veins increases together with the semen in the loins.” Moreover, let your desires incline “During the winter towards women.” But on this topic it is requisite that one’s discourse should be brief, lest it engender appetite.(14)
Kay Ka’us b. Eskandar further advised his son:
Once you have married a wife, being greatly in love with her, even though you may be infatuated with her, do not spend every night in her society. Let it be only from time to time, thus leading her to think that such is the universal custom, so that if on occasion you have reason for excusing yourself or wish to go on a journey, your wife will be forbearing towards you. But if you customarily visit her every night, she will acquire a propensity for it and it will be difficult for her to exercise forbearance.(15)
A late nineteenth century anonymous author in a booklet entitled ‘The Education of Wives’ (Ta’dib al-Nesvan) took a rather censorious position towards women’s behavior in marriage and he counseled his readers that wives should prepare for bed, i.e. make toilet, wash up and smell and look nice. “To my mind, a simple chemise of transparent stuff and a bright-coloured petticoat will advantageously replace the day’s apparel.” In fact, the best way would be to dress the way the man likes it. If the man wants his wife to come to him in a pleasant manner, she should not discuss irksome matters of the day, but rather make enticing remarks and above all do not wait for him to make the first move. “Shamelessness is better in bed than prudery; therefore do not imagine that your dignity will suffer if you surrender utterly to love.” Also, the author preferred no lamps, waiting maids and the like in the bed room, while he opined that “the woman may undress entirely at a certain moment.” There should be, of course, no talking about what happened in bed with the girl friends, which women often did when going to the baths. He lectured his female readers as follows: “Do not imitate the fashion of too many woman of our time, and show all your friends the marks of kisses you have had on the neck or breasts.” Shocked, he further remarked that some women even went further and wrote about it to their friends. Since the unknown author considered sex very important he further opined:
Certain great ladies exact a multitude of preliminaries, especially if their husband claims this favour in the day-time. They have no idea of abandoning themselves except in some place devoted to the purpose, and, once there, they require the maid to come and spread the bed, to bring in towels, and to shut all the doors before they will undress. After such long preparations the poor lover feels his flame die down and fall asleep, and even when the case is not as bad as this, there can be no great pleasure in love after such waiting. It is well then, I repeat, for the woman not to pay too much attention to those silly details. Let her rather be ever ready for her husband’s amorous fantasy, and always have a yes for his advance, whether it be preceded by tender cajolery and exciting play or not.
In short, the author told his readers that the husband wants his wife to be uninhibited at these moments. In the morning, however, the wife should not tarry, but leave and wash up, clean her teeth and make her toiletry and make-up. Meanwhile, the husband’s servants will take care of him. Only then present yourself again to him; sweet-smelling, good-looking and coquette. However, most women want to stay and smoke one water pipe after the other and then they expect to be showered with kisses and are astonished when that does not happen.(16)
Male superiority was a sine qua non, also in sexual matters.(1) Women were on the receiving end; they were dominated by their underlying position by the man, and this showed who was in charge. Because marriage gives the man the right to have sex with his wife, a woman can neither leave her husband’s bed when she has been invited nor refuse to come; she even has to cut her prayers short when he wants to sleep with her.(2) Furthermore, because a man has paid for his wife, (although payment of the mahr usually takes place on divorce), only he has the right to decide when and how he wants to have sex, which he also might want for medical reasons.(3) For only men are allowed to show sexual desire, also towards women with whom they are not married. If the latter happens the man will not be blamed, but the woman is, because she should not have found herself in a situation where another man could approach her. Moreover, there still is a strong belief that girls and women cannot say no to a man, if she happens to be alone with a man. The author of the Qabus-nameh wrote: “You must realize that a woman cannot steadfastly resist a man, however old or ugly he may be; so admit no male slave into the women’s apartments, even though he is black, old and ugly.”(4) The belief that women are unable to withstand a man’s charms, because of her insatiable lust, was reinforced by the fact that, according to Imam Reza, women are 99 times lustier than men.(5) This belief was further enhanced by popular tales that confirmed and endorsed such attitudes. For example, in the popular tale of Hoseyn-e Kurd, the daughter of his captor, Sonbol, helps him escape because her father wants to kill him. Her motive was, as she told Hoseyn: “I will sacrifice myself for your handsome face and your shaved [and therefore appealing] penis.”(6) This probably was as much male boasting as it was male uncertainty given their endless search for penis enhancement, about which later. Although allegedly much lustier than a man, a woman cannot show desire, even in marriage. She must follow and react to her husband’s moves, which are aimed to reveal “the latent erotic powers of the woman. Only he arouses the desire of the woman and fulfills it. The woman before his intervention would not be able to desire; afterward she could not remain insensible without frustrating him in the result he expects from an act whose sole author he considers himself.”(7)
But even if a man has been overcome by sexual desire he just cannot give in to his lust. For even when you are married, as a Moslem, you have to respect certain religious rules concerning if and when you may have sexual intercourse with your wife or slave girl. For example, it is unlawful to have intercourse with a woman during menstruation or who has a female complaint.(8 ) However, there are other constraints. Intercourse on the first night of the month, the last night of the month and the middle night of the month is considered to be an abomination by the jurists, because during those nights Satan is present during intercourse. Also, while having sex, one should neither face nor have one’s back towards the qiblah or the prayer direction, while in general the place where the sexual act takes place should be carefully chosen; e.g. not on the roof or under a fruit tree.(9) For a woman there is an additional impediment, for she cannot have intercourse with a male slave. Finally, incest is not allowed, which means that sexual relations with any of the so-called maharem, the close relatives, such as the father’s wife, the wife’s mother and the wife’s sister and daughter, is forbidden. (10)
Once these impediments have been taken into account intercourse may begin. However, here the believer is counseled to behave properly, for sexual intercourse is after all sanctioned by religion and therefore, its spirit should guide one’s behavior, including when having sex. The man is therefore given the very appropriate advice to “begin by pleasing her with talk, play, kisses, and embraces.”(11) If this were not convincing enough the jurists have adduced a Tradition that makes these things even clearer and moreover have the additional weight of the Prophet’s own words:
The Prophet said, ‘A man should not fall on his wife as on a mule; he must send a messenger before he lies with her.’ They asked, ‘O Prophet of God, what is this messenger?’ He replied, ‘A kiss.’ Then when he wishes to begin he should say, ‘In the name of God, Sublime and Mighty; God is Great, God is Great, God is Great.’ … At the time of ejaculation he should think of this verse: ‘Praise be to God; It is he who hath created man of water, and has made him to bear the double relation of consanguinity and affinity’ (25:56), and then wait till the woman also ejaculates. For the Prophet said, ‘Three things are weakness in a man: … third, that he becomes busy with intercourse before kissing and embracing, and when his need is satisfied not wait until the woman’s need is also satisfied.’”(12)
Such an advice would not be out of place in modern ‘How to have good sex’ manuals, although the approach is rather one-sided, i.e. only the male has the initiative. Although Imam ‘Ali allegedly advised men to take heed and realize that women have sexual needs, having sex with one’s wife, according to the prophet Mohammad, is like giving alms (sadaqeh), which puts it in a slightly different perspective.(13) Moslem authors certainly took their cue from this and other Traditions. The Qabus-nameh counsels:
Do not have intercourse when you are drunk, for it may have detrimental effects. Moreover, it sets man apart from beast, when he selects both the time and proper season for intercourse, and is not ruled by passion. During the height of cold and warm season it was better not to have intercourse, in particular older men, on whom it could have a deleterious effect. Spring was the best season, when like the world, the body renews its vigor, “the blood in the veins increases together with the semen in the loins.” Moreover, let your desires incline “During the winter towards women.” But on this topic it is requisite that one’s discourse should be brief, lest it engender appetite.(14)
Kay Ka’us b. Eskandar further advised his son:
Once you have married a wife, being greatly in love with her, even though you may be infatuated with her, do not spend every night in her society. Let it be only from time to time, thus leading her to think that such is the universal custom, so that if on occasion you have reason for excusing yourself or wish to go on a journey, your wife will be forbearing towards you. But if you customarily visit her every night, she will acquire a propensity for it and it will be difficult for her to exercise forbearance.(15)
A late nineteenth century anonymous author in a booklet entitled ‘The Education of Wives’ (Ta’dib al-Nesvan) took a rather censorious position towards women’s behavior in marriage and he counseled his readers that wives should prepare for bed, i.e. make toilet, wash up and smell and look nice. “To my mind, a simple chemise of transparent stuff and a bright-coloured petticoat will advantageously replace the day’s apparel.” In fact, the best way would be to dress the way the man likes it. If the man wants his wife to come to him in a pleasant manner, she should not discuss irksome matters of the day, but rather make enticing remarks and above all do not wait for him to make the first move. “Shamelessness is better in bed than prudery; therefore do not imagine that your dignity will suffer if you surrender utterly to love.” Also, the author preferred no lamps, waiting maids and the like in the bed room, while he opined that “the woman may undress entirely at a certain moment.” There should be, of course, no talking about what happened in bed with the girl friends, which women often did when going to the baths. He lectured his female readers as follows: “Do not imitate the fashion of too many woman of our time, and show all your friends the marks of kisses you have had on the neck or breasts.” Shocked, he further remarked that some women even went further and wrote about it to their friends. Since the unknown author considered sex very important he further opined:
Certain great ladies exact a multitude of preliminaries, especially if their husband claims this favour in the day-time. They have no idea of abandoning themselves except in some place devoted to the purpose, and, once there, they require the maid to come and spread the bed, to bring in towels, and to shut all the doors before they will undress. After such long preparations the poor lover feels his flame die down and fall asleep, and even when the case is not as bad as this, there can be no great pleasure in love after such waiting. It is well then, I repeat, for the woman not to pay too much attention to those silly details. Let her rather be ever ready for her husband’s amorous fantasy, and always have a yes for his advance, whether it be preceded by tender cajolery and exciting play or not.
In short, the author told his readers that the husband wants his wife to be uninhibited at these moments. In the morning, however, the wife should not tarry, but leave and wash up, clean her teeth and make her toiletry and make-up. Meanwhile, the husband’s servants will take care of him. Only then present yourself again to him; sweet-smelling, good-looking and coquette. However, most women want to stay and smoke one water pipe after the other and then they expect to be showered with kisses and are astonished when that does not happen.(16)
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