Mother in Law
If your mother-in-law repeatedly hurts you, physically or emotionally, you're probably not going to be able to change her behaviour. You'll have to protect yourself, your family, and the future.
Detach and think of her as an acquaintance. Don't try to think of her as your "other mother" unless the relationship is warm, friendly, and family-like. Don't call her "Mother" or "Mom". She isn't your parent; you are equals. Call her by her first name, unless you are living in (or your spouse is from) a country in which it's considered rude to call your mother-in-law only by name. In that case, follow the custom properly as to how to respectfully address her, and ask your spouse if you're not sure about it.
Express your feelings and know the common problems. Be aware that there is a belief that mothers-in-law often assume that daughters-in-law are terrible manipulators who wickedly control their son's lives. Other common issues: Mother feels a little less important to her child, Mother wants to be more involved with the young couple, Mother still sees son/daughter as her child rather than someone's spouse.
These issues can lead Mother to be overly critical or to get her nose bent out of joint over little things. Don't make judgemental comments as she does, but let your husband (or wife) know that it hurts. You are entitled to share these feelings with your spouse (your best friend). Do not criticize her - remember this is his/her mother - but don't protect her either.
Get spouse support. Does your spouse support you? It's very important, and will determine your success in dealing with your mother-in-law. But sometimes you need to tell your spouse there's a problem, since s/he will not want to ruffle any feathers. It's important to face this problem head-on, as soon as possible.
Don't criticize your mother-in-law, just calmly state, "It hurt my feelings when your mother implied that it was I who "made you" move here/change jobs/buy a new car." (Encourage your spouse to make it clear to his/her mother that it was both of you as a couple who made these decisions, and that she should not be blaming you.) Each of you should take responsibility for putting your marriage/spouse first, and your childhood family next, which sometimes requires you to protect your marriage from your birth family. If your husband/wife will not step up and protect you to his/her mother, then you have a problem that will plague you for your entire marriage.
Example problem: Your spouse is warmly greeted by his/her family, while you barely rate a nod. You feel a little like the invisible woman - most of the family takes their cues from Mother, and she is not really acknowledging you. When it comes time to eat dinner, your spouse is seated next to Mother or Dad, while you are sent to the far end of the table, or worse, to the children's table.
Mother sweetly asks, "You don't mind, do you? This table is so small." (of course, there's plenty of room for your brother and sister-in-law to sit between you and your spouse). This makes you feel isolated and you end up virtually eating alone. You valiantly offer to help clear and wash the dishes, and about halfway through, you realise you've been left on your own to finish while the rest of the family is in the den watching TV. Mother comes in to grab a few munchies and drinks for the family and smugly reminds you to turn off the lights when you're ready to join them. She does not seem to mind at all that you're finishing the dishes alone.
Example remedy: When you get home, tell your spouse calmly what happened. If your spouse becomes defensive and shuts down, you will need to continue this discussion until you are satisfied. But usually, the spouse will feel bad that you felt alone and put upon. Be very clear about what you want to happen, don't just vaguely say, "It hurt my feelings." Instead, say, "I think you should talk to her. If my mother did this to you, I would go to her and say, 'Mom, I saw how you treated David, and I did not appreciate it at all. You put him at the end of the table, separated us from one another, and then you deserted him while he was washing the dishes, and that was very small of you. I expect - and will require - better of you in the future.
Because if this is the treatment David can expect when we visit you, you should know that we won't be visiting you much." If a spouse is willing to step up and call his parent on the BS, it can go very far toward putting that parent on notice that his/her spouse must be treated with respect, or the result will be that the couple will not volunteer to be treated this way. This presents a united front to the parents and family.
Distance yourself physically. You don't need to move cross-country, but you also don't need to show up at every event. It's okay for your spouse to attend some family things without you. This should not be a common occurence, however, you should not try to drive a wedge between your spouse and his family. On the other hand, if your spouse is often content to go without you, it's a big win for that mother of his/hers. This will cause discord in your marriage eventually, so it's highly recommended that you make it clear that you don't intend to be a "stay-home" spouse, just so that Mother can be appeased. Encourage your spouse to stand up for you, or this issue will follow you forever. But do understand that you probably won't be getting a lot of hugs from dear old Mom, and it's best to keep a little space between you and her.
Remember that it's highly unlikely that she'll change. If your mother-in-law has criticized you, stabbed you in the back to other family members, and has been dismissive of things you've said, she is making a very clear statement about this "relationship". Believe her. She may be occasionally nice.
Judgemental, negative people often do this; they do something nice to reel you in, and then grab the opportunity to make a jab at you. If she's done this, remember to keep your distance even when she's being nice. You are more important than your relationship to your mother-in-law! Take care of yourself. Let the hopes go. Look to other women for mentoring, advice, kindness, role modeling. You probably have to write this woman off. It's not going to happen.
Recognize and avoid the triggers. Before coming in contact with the in-law, visualize the scenarios which always manage to get under your skin. What is it that is said or done that makes your blood boil? Once you determine those triggers (which tend to be the same emotionally, manifested in various ways), think about ways in which you can avoid them.
Don't raise the emotional temperature. If conflict is impossible to avoid, go ahead and respond honestly - not rudely, but don't sugar-coat either. Remember that despite your efforts to avoid direct conflict, this person has shown little regard for your feelings on whatever the issue is. Don't let the fear of hurting the feelings of your relative or in-law stop you from responding appropriately - she hasn't allowed any fear of your feelings to stop her from disrespecting you.
This is a case where you must adopt the attitude that "I care about you as much as you care about me." If the answer there is "Not much," then don't worry about hurting her feelings - she certainly doesn't care about hurting yours.
Define your boundaries. You set the boundaries in your relationships, both with your spouse and with her. If those boundaries are crossed and your mother in law can’t seem to take the hint, and if your spouse is unwilling to address the situation and stand up for you, then you have to assert yourself to restore balance.
If you have relatives who fail to respect your boundaries and behave as if the purpose of the relationship is for you to bend over backwards to satisfy all of their needs, you certainly aren’t alone. What you need to do is define boundaries which you consider to be bottom lines that may not be crossed, ones that make you feel violated when they are, and make them clearly known. For example, if you value your privacy and a relative insists on frequent unannounced drop-in visits, that may be a bottom line for you. The first thing to realize is that it’s perfectly OK to satisfy your own needs. A relationship that makes you feel violated isn’t healthy.
Example problem: Mother drops over unannounced just before you and your spouse are headed out for dinner. You say, "Gee, it's nice to see you (not), I just wish you'd called ahead. David and I are on our way out to dinner. If we'd known you were coming, we'd have made plans to eat at home." (hint hint - leave, Mom,and call first next time). Your spouse seems content to allow her to just sit and visit. Meanwhile, you're starving, it's getting later and later, and you realize you may not get any dinner at all. The visit seems to get lengthier and lengthier, the more you remind your spouse that dinner awaits (Mother just keeps on chatting and ignores the hint to leave, and your spouse allows it, seemingly helpless to stand up to her).
Example Solution #1: Simply say, "You guys, I need to eat. Let's all go." Firmly get your spouse up and moving. This will let Mom know that if she wants to continue visiting with her baby, she will need to accompany you. If she says, "Oh, no. I already ate," then say, "Okay, David, say good night to your Mom. Althea, it was good to see you, but we need to go now."
Detach and think of her as an acquaintance. Don't try to think of her as your "other mother" unless the relationship is warm, friendly, and family-like. Don't call her "Mother" or "Mom". She isn't your parent; you are equals. Call her by her first name, unless you are living in (or your spouse is from) a country in which it's considered rude to call your mother-in-law only by name. In that case, follow the custom properly as to how to respectfully address her, and ask your spouse if you're not sure about it.
Express your feelings and know the common problems. Be aware that there is a belief that mothers-in-law often assume that daughters-in-law are terrible manipulators who wickedly control their son's lives. Other common issues: Mother feels a little less important to her child, Mother wants to be more involved with the young couple, Mother still sees son/daughter as her child rather than someone's spouse.
These issues can lead Mother to be overly critical or to get her nose bent out of joint over little things. Don't make judgemental comments as she does, but let your husband (or wife) know that it hurts. You are entitled to share these feelings with your spouse (your best friend). Do not criticize her - remember this is his/her mother - but don't protect her either.
Get spouse support. Does your spouse support you? It's very important, and will determine your success in dealing with your mother-in-law. But sometimes you need to tell your spouse there's a problem, since s/he will not want to ruffle any feathers. It's important to face this problem head-on, as soon as possible.
Don't criticize your mother-in-law, just calmly state, "It hurt my feelings when your mother implied that it was I who "made you" move here/change jobs/buy a new car." (Encourage your spouse to make it clear to his/her mother that it was both of you as a couple who made these decisions, and that she should not be blaming you.) Each of you should take responsibility for putting your marriage/spouse first, and your childhood family next, which sometimes requires you to protect your marriage from your birth family. If your husband/wife will not step up and protect you to his/her mother, then you have a problem that will plague you for your entire marriage.
Example problem: Your spouse is warmly greeted by his/her family, while you barely rate a nod. You feel a little like the invisible woman - most of the family takes their cues from Mother, and she is not really acknowledging you. When it comes time to eat dinner, your spouse is seated next to Mother or Dad, while you are sent to the far end of the table, or worse, to the children's table.
Mother sweetly asks, "You don't mind, do you? This table is so small." (of course, there's plenty of room for your brother and sister-in-law to sit between you and your spouse). This makes you feel isolated and you end up virtually eating alone. You valiantly offer to help clear and wash the dishes, and about halfway through, you realise you've been left on your own to finish while the rest of the family is in the den watching TV. Mother comes in to grab a few munchies and drinks for the family and smugly reminds you to turn off the lights when you're ready to join them. She does not seem to mind at all that you're finishing the dishes alone.
Example remedy: When you get home, tell your spouse calmly what happened. If your spouse becomes defensive and shuts down, you will need to continue this discussion until you are satisfied. But usually, the spouse will feel bad that you felt alone and put upon. Be very clear about what you want to happen, don't just vaguely say, "It hurt my feelings." Instead, say, "I think you should talk to her. If my mother did this to you, I would go to her and say, 'Mom, I saw how you treated David, and I did not appreciate it at all. You put him at the end of the table, separated us from one another, and then you deserted him while he was washing the dishes, and that was very small of you. I expect - and will require - better of you in the future.
Because if this is the treatment David can expect when we visit you, you should know that we won't be visiting you much." If a spouse is willing to step up and call his parent on the BS, it can go very far toward putting that parent on notice that his/her spouse must be treated with respect, or the result will be that the couple will not volunteer to be treated this way. This presents a united front to the parents and family.
Distance yourself physically. You don't need to move cross-country, but you also don't need to show up at every event. It's okay for your spouse to attend some family things without you. This should not be a common occurence, however, you should not try to drive a wedge between your spouse and his family. On the other hand, if your spouse is often content to go without you, it's a big win for that mother of his/hers. This will cause discord in your marriage eventually, so it's highly recommended that you make it clear that you don't intend to be a "stay-home" spouse, just so that Mother can be appeased. Encourage your spouse to stand up for you, or this issue will follow you forever. But do understand that you probably won't be getting a lot of hugs from dear old Mom, and it's best to keep a little space between you and her.
Remember that it's highly unlikely that she'll change. If your mother-in-law has criticized you, stabbed you in the back to other family members, and has been dismissive of things you've said, she is making a very clear statement about this "relationship". Believe her. She may be occasionally nice.
Judgemental, negative people often do this; they do something nice to reel you in, and then grab the opportunity to make a jab at you. If she's done this, remember to keep your distance even when she's being nice. You are more important than your relationship to your mother-in-law! Take care of yourself. Let the hopes go. Look to other women for mentoring, advice, kindness, role modeling. You probably have to write this woman off. It's not going to happen.
Recognize and avoid the triggers. Before coming in contact with the in-law, visualize the scenarios which always manage to get under your skin. What is it that is said or done that makes your blood boil? Once you determine those triggers (which tend to be the same emotionally, manifested in various ways), think about ways in which you can avoid them.
Don't raise the emotional temperature. If conflict is impossible to avoid, go ahead and respond honestly - not rudely, but don't sugar-coat either. Remember that despite your efforts to avoid direct conflict, this person has shown little regard for your feelings on whatever the issue is. Don't let the fear of hurting the feelings of your relative or in-law stop you from responding appropriately - she hasn't allowed any fear of your feelings to stop her from disrespecting you.
This is a case where you must adopt the attitude that "I care about you as much as you care about me." If the answer there is "Not much," then don't worry about hurting her feelings - she certainly doesn't care about hurting yours.
Define your boundaries. You set the boundaries in your relationships, both with your spouse and with her. If those boundaries are crossed and your mother in law can’t seem to take the hint, and if your spouse is unwilling to address the situation and stand up for you, then you have to assert yourself to restore balance.
If you have relatives who fail to respect your boundaries and behave as if the purpose of the relationship is for you to bend over backwards to satisfy all of their needs, you certainly aren’t alone. What you need to do is define boundaries which you consider to be bottom lines that may not be crossed, ones that make you feel violated when they are, and make them clearly known. For example, if you value your privacy and a relative insists on frequent unannounced drop-in visits, that may be a bottom line for you. The first thing to realize is that it’s perfectly OK to satisfy your own needs. A relationship that makes you feel violated isn’t healthy.
Example problem: Mother drops over unannounced just before you and your spouse are headed out for dinner. You say, "Gee, it's nice to see you (not), I just wish you'd called ahead. David and I are on our way out to dinner. If we'd known you were coming, we'd have made plans to eat at home." (hint hint - leave, Mom,and call first next time). Your spouse seems content to allow her to just sit and visit. Meanwhile, you're starving, it's getting later and later, and you realize you may not get any dinner at all. The visit seems to get lengthier and lengthier, the more you remind your spouse that dinner awaits (Mother just keeps on chatting and ignores the hint to leave, and your spouse allows it, seemingly helpless to stand up to her).
Example Solution #1: Simply say, "You guys, I need to eat. Let's all go." Firmly get your spouse up and moving. This will let Mom know that if she wants to continue visiting with her baby, she will need to accompany you. If she says, "Oh, no. I already ate," then say, "Okay, David, say good night to your Mom. Althea, it was good to see you, but we need to go now."
Comment