Second Marriage
Important Questions to Ask Your Potential Mate Who Has Children:
The following questions outline the issues that most stepfamilies struggle with during a remarriage.
Q: What are your daily and weekly routines/schedules?
A: Lack of routines/regular schedules creates high stress levels and conflict between the biological parents and new couple. Adding predictability and structure to daily and weekly schedules decreases the amount of time and energy you’ll spend arguing about it.
Q: How do you handle discipline? What kinds of consequences will your kids face?
A: You and your potential mate may have very different disciplining styles. Understanding and respecting these differences will help you create a consistent, congruent discipline style that works for the whole household.
Q: What role do you see me playing in terms of discipline?
A: Agreeing on the forms and norms (“house rules”) is vital to relationship success. Defining roles up front allows for a smoother transition.
Q: How do you get along with your former spouse?
A: One of the biggest issues between couples in stepfamilies revolves around former spouses. Prepare in advance for the divorce-related issues you may be forced to confront.
Q: How did your actions contribute to your divorce/breakup?
A: Understanding past mistakes increases our chances of success in remarriage.
Q: Tell me about your parents and their roles in the household. How did your parents get along? Who did what, in terms of household management? Finances? Housekeeping? How were children treated? How were children disciplined?
A: The households in which we grew up set the stage for how we expect our current households to work. Understanding the dynamics of your (and your new mate’s) “family of origin” provides insights into each other's expectations.
Q: How much time do you spend with your children? How do you spend this time?
A: Again, knowing what to expect greatly improves how you’ll work together as a couple.
Q: What kind of visitation agreement do you have with your ex-spouse?
A: Vacillating, unpredictable visitation arrangements are known to cause significant rifts between step-couples, children and ex-spouses.
Q: What would happen if primary custody of the children were to switch?
A: How would your potential mate respond if primary custody were to switch? If you have primary custody now, but it later goes to the other parent, what would this mean for you? A move? A job change? Financial impact? Alternatively, if you do not have primary custody, but were granted it, how would your potential mate respond? How would life change?
Potential Mate Who Has No Children:
Q: What are your daily and weekly routines/schedules?
A: It’s critical to understand the impact of schedule changes and to outline what you expect of your partner regarding time spent with the children.
Q: How did your actions contribute to your divorce/breakup?
A: Understanding past mistakes increases our chances of success in remarriage.
Q: Tell me about your parents and their roles in the household. How did your parents get along? Who did what in terms of household management? Finances? Housekeeping? How were children treated? How were the children disciplined?
A: The households in which we grew up set the stage for how we expect our current households to work. Understanding the dynamics of your (and your new mate’s) “family of origin” provides insights into each other's expectations.
Q: What do you expect of my children in terms of household contributions and behavior?
A: Most conflicts in stepfamilies occur because expectations were not discussed or understood ahead of time. Planning and agreeing on household standards before living together greatly decrease stress and chaos.
Q: What would happen if primary custody of the children were to switch?
A: How would your potential mate respond if primary custody were to switch? If you have primary custody now, but it later goes to the other parent, what would this mean for you? A move? A job change? Financial impact? Alternatively, if you do not have primary custody, but were granted it, how would your potential mate respond? How would life change?
Vow Samples
“I marry you with my eyes wide open. You have helped me let go of the past, and I embrace the future. Thank you for making me laugh again. Bless you for taking my hand as we begin anew."
“I offer myself to you as a partner in life. I vow to love you in sickness and in health. I commit myself to encourage you in good times and in bad. I will cherish and respect you all the days of our life together. Starting anew once again, I give thanks that I have found you. May our marriage be a gift to the world and our families, as your love is a gift to me."
“God has given us a second chance at happiness. I come today to give you my love, to give you my heart and my hope for our future together. I promise to bring you joy, to be at home with your spirit and to learn to love you more each day, through all the days of our lives. My love for you is endless and eternal.”
"Because of you, I laugh, I smile, I dare to dream again. I look forward with great joy to spending the rest of my life with you, caring for you, nurturing you, being there for you in all life has in store for us, and I vow to be true and faithful for as long as we both shall live."
Since I have found you, I have found a new life. The decision to commit to share that life with you is one I make happily and with full confidence in our love.
Secure in the knowledge that you will be my constant friend, my faithful partner in life, and my one true love.
On this special day, I give to you in the presence of God and all these witnesses my pledge to stay by your side, in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, as well as through the good times and the bad.
I promise to love you without reservation, comfort you in times of distress, encourage you to achieve all of your goals, laugh with you and cry with you, grow with you in mind and spirit, always be open and honest with you, and cherish you for as long as we both shall live.
The following questions outline the issues that most stepfamilies struggle with during a remarriage.
Q: What are your daily and weekly routines/schedules?
A: Lack of routines/regular schedules creates high stress levels and conflict between the biological parents and new couple. Adding predictability and structure to daily and weekly schedules decreases the amount of time and energy you’ll spend arguing about it.
Q: How do you handle discipline? What kinds of consequences will your kids face?
A: You and your potential mate may have very different disciplining styles. Understanding and respecting these differences will help you create a consistent, congruent discipline style that works for the whole household.
Q: What role do you see me playing in terms of discipline?
A: Agreeing on the forms and norms (“house rules”) is vital to relationship success. Defining roles up front allows for a smoother transition.
Q: How do you get along with your former spouse?
A: One of the biggest issues between couples in stepfamilies revolves around former spouses. Prepare in advance for the divorce-related issues you may be forced to confront.
Q: How did your actions contribute to your divorce/breakup?
A: Understanding past mistakes increases our chances of success in remarriage.
Q: Tell me about your parents and their roles in the household. How did your parents get along? Who did what, in terms of household management? Finances? Housekeeping? How were children treated? How were children disciplined?
A: The households in which we grew up set the stage for how we expect our current households to work. Understanding the dynamics of your (and your new mate’s) “family of origin” provides insights into each other's expectations.
Q: How much time do you spend with your children? How do you spend this time?
A: Again, knowing what to expect greatly improves how you’ll work together as a couple.
Q: What kind of visitation agreement do you have with your ex-spouse?
A: Vacillating, unpredictable visitation arrangements are known to cause significant rifts between step-couples, children and ex-spouses.
Q: What would happen if primary custody of the children were to switch?
A: How would your potential mate respond if primary custody were to switch? If you have primary custody now, but it later goes to the other parent, what would this mean for you? A move? A job change? Financial impact? Alternatively, if you do not have primary custody, but were granted it, how would your potential mate respond? How would life change?
Potential Mate Who Has No Children:
Q: What are your daily and weekly routines/schedules?
A: It’s critical to understand the impact of schedule changes and to outline what you expect of your partner regarding time spent with the children.
Q: How did your actions contribute to your divorce/breakup?
A: Understanding past mistakes increases our chances of success in remarriage.
Q: Tell me about your parents and their roles in the household. How did your parents get along? Who did what in terms of household management? Finances? Housekeeping? How were children treated? How were the children disciplined?
A: The households in which we grew up set the stage for how we expect our current households to work. Understanding the dynamics of your (and your new mate’s) “family of origin” provides insights into each other's expectations.
Q: What do you expect of my children in terms of household contributions and behavior?
A: Most conflicts in stepfamilies occur because expectations were not discussed or understood ahead of time. Planning and agreeing on household standards before living together greatly decrease stress and chaos.
Q: What would happen if primary custody of the children were to switch?
A: How would your potential mate respond if primary custody were to switch? If you have primary custody now, but it later goes to the other parent, what would this mean for you? A move? A job change? Financial impact? Alternatively, if you do not have primary custody, but were granted it, how would your potential mate respond? How would life change?
Vow Samples
“I marry you with my eyes wide open. You have helped me let go of the past, and I embrace the future. Thank you for making me laugh again. Bless you for taking my hand as we begin anew."
“I offer myself to you as a partner in life. I vow to love you in sickness and in health. I commit myself to encourage you in good times and in bad. I will cherish and respect you all the days of our life together. Starting anew once again, I give thanks that I have found you. May our marriage be a gift to the world and our families, as your love is a gift to me."
“God has given us a second chance at happiness. I come today to give you my love, to give you my heart and my hope for our future together. I promise to bring you joy, to be at home with your spirit and to learn to love you more each day, through all the days of our lives. My love for you is endless and eternal.”
"Because of you, I laugh, I smile, I dare to dream again. I look forward with great joy to spending the rest of my life with you, caring for you, nurturing you, being there for you in all life has in store for us, and I vow to be true and faithful for as long as we both shall live."
Since I have found you, I have found a new life. The decision to commit to share that life with you is one I make happily and with full confidence in our love.
Secure in the knowledge that you will be my constant friend, my faithful partner in life, and my one true love.
On this special day, I give to you in the presence of God and all these witnesses my pledge to stay by your side, in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, as well as through the good times and the bad.
I promise to love you without reservation, comfort you in times of distress, encourage you to achieve all of your goals, laugh with you and cry with you, grow with you in mind and spirit, always be open and honest with you, and cherish you for as long as we both shall live.
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