When Is A Man Too Young To Marry?
The news that William and Kate are no longer an item has been reported in tones of shock by the chief royal wedding hype merchants. But, in truth, the clues that the Woolworth’s tea towel designers were to be dealt this cruel blow had been there for all to see.
Prince William himself had told us that he did not have any intention of marrying until he was older. During a holiday in Klosters two years ago he spotted the royal correspondent of The Sun when he was in a nightclub with Kate and friends and, surprisingly, called him over for a chat. Out of Kate’s earshot, he scoffed at the notion that he had plans to marry any time soon. “Look, I’m only 22, for God’s sake. I am too young to marry. I don’t want to get married until I am at least 28, or maybe 30.”
That was two years ago, of course, and as time passed and the couple spent more time together the speculation mounted, particularly after Kate and her family attended his passing-out parade at Sandhurst in December. Earlier this year the attention reached fever pitch as paparazzi mobbed Kate on her birthday. But the activity was based on wishful thinking rather than a single shred of evidence to suggest that an engagement was on the cards.
At that time, however, some in the couple’s social circle busily played down marriage talk. “I think all the marriage stuff is s**t, to be honest,” one friend of Kate told me a couple of months ago when I was writing a profile of her for times2. “Maybe he will be pushed up the aisle, but I think Harry is more likely to get married before William.” This friend also explained that Kate was “frustrated that it [the speculation] is going to harm the relationship, but there’s nothing she can do about it but hang in there.”
One senior army officer who knew William had also said that this was a perilous moment for the love life of any officer because the training is intense, with little time off. This can be very hard on partners. “It did for my relationship,” he told me. Young officers work hard and party hard, and Kate was said by her friends to be uncomfortable with the hectic, hard-drinking social life. She rarely drinks and her preference was for a quiet night in alone with William. He, on the other hand, increasingly enjoyed frenzied partying with Harry.
THE PSYCHOLOGIST’S VIEW
It is impossible to say whether a person can be too young to get married. It depends entirely on the individual. Juliet was 13 when she married Romeo, but was wiser and more emotionally literate than many 30-year-old brides. That said, university relationships can often be hard to maintain afterwards, no matter how mature a person is. The intensity and safety of student life, when all is easy and comfortable, is replaced with the insecurity associated with finding a job and establishing financial independence in “the real world”.
People respond to this uncertainty differently. Some find it unbearable. They want to secure a future. Others see uncertainty as freedom, and by embracing it they find it easy to let go of the constant things in their life. Often the defining factor between those who shun and those who embrace uncertainty is how much self-confidence one has, which is invariably tied to upbringing.
Another important feature of one’s readiness to get married is the example set by one’s parents. If you grew up with parents who married young and stayed together happily, then young marriage is presented as an absolute truth. If your parents married young and then split up, or stayed together but were unhappy, you are aware that there are alternatives. Prince William, of course, would fall into the latter category.
Prince William’s undergraduate, adolescent relationship was unlikely ever to metamorphose into the lasting love essential to his future happiness as either husband or king.
It is unlikely that he said the fun had gone out of the relationship, but it is almost certain that the stage of lust had passed. It has been thought for at least 50 years, probably longer, that there are three stages of lasting love, all of which are true love and all equally desirable.
In the first year or two of an intimate relationship lust is the overwhelming emotion. It is undeniably fun but it fades into the equally important and enjoyable stage of acceptance — now sometimes called nesting — in which sex and jolly parties are of secondary importance and shared interests and the setting and attaining of goals becomes the cement that holds the structure of the relationship together.
After eight or nine years, the nature of the relationship changes again and it becomes based on firm friendship. This psychologist’s theory is now given credence by the changes in the functional MRI brain scans that can be seen to accompany each stage of marital love.
If a marriage is to have a chance of surviving, there must be an opportunity for the stage of lust to move to the stage of acceptance. This is an unlikely sequel for most undergraduate loves, impossible if during the stage of acceptance the would-be bridegroom also has to become wedded to the Army, and bedded down as a young officer into his regiment rather than with a fiancée.
As the past two years have clearly demonstrated, the Army still needs the essentially British devotion to a regiment as its essential basis.
Recently Prince William will have grown through his lustful stage; the fun, as he puts it, will be waning, but his and Kate Middleton’s chances of sharing enough mutual ambitions and pleasures, interests and goals to move to stage two haven’t the environment to survive. Although it was odds-on that they would separate and remain friends, the all-seeing functional MRI scan shows that there is no going back to the unquestioning early love and lust.
Prince William himself had told us that he did not have any intention of marrying until he was older. During a holiday in Klosters two years ago he spotted the royal correspondent of The Sun when he was in a nightclub with Kate and friends and, surprisingly, called him over for a chat. Out of Kate’s earshot, he scoffed at the notion that he had plans to marry any time soon. “Look, I’m only 22, for God’s sake. I am too young to marry. I don’t want to get married until I am at least 28, or maybe 30.”
That was two years ago, of course, and as time passed and the couple spent more time together the speculation mounted, particularly after Kate and her family attended his passing-out parade at Sandhurst in December. Earlier this year the attention reached fever pitch as paparazzi mobbed Kate on her birthday. But the activity was based on wishful thinking rather than a single shred of evidence to suggest that an engagement was on the cards.
At that time, however, some in the couple’s social circle busily played down marriage talk. “I think all the marriage stuff is s**t, to be honest,” one friend of Kate told me a couple of months ago when I was writing a profile of her for times2. “Maybe he will be pushed up the aisle, but I think Harry is more likely to get married before William.” This friend also explained that Kate was “frustrated that it [the speculation] is going to harm the relationship, but there’s nothing she can do about it but hang in there.”
One senior army officer who knew William had also said that this was a perilous moment for the love life of any officer because the training is intense, with little time off. This can be very hard on partners. “It did for my relationship,” he told me. Young officers work hard and party hard, and Kate was said by her friends to be uncomfortable with the hectic, hard-drinking social life. She rarely drinks and her preference was for a quiet night in alone with William. He, on the other hand, increasingly enjoyed frenzied partying with Harry.
THE PSYCHOLOGIST’S VIEW
It is impossible to say whether a person can be too young to get married. It depends entirely on the individual. Juliet was 13 when she married Romeo, but was wiser and more emotionally literate than many 30-year-old brides. That said, university relationships can often be hard to maintain afterwards, no matter how mature a person is. The intensity and safety of student life, when all is easy and comfortable, is replaced with the insecurity associated with finding a job and establishing financial independence in “the real world”.
People respond to this uncertainty differently. Some find it unbearable. They want to secure a future. Others see uncertainty as freedom, and by embracing it they find it easy to let go of the constant things in their life. Often the defining factor between those who shun and those who embrace uncertainty is how much self-confidence one has, which is invariably tied to upbringing.
Another important feature of one’s readiness to get married is the example set by one’s parents. If you grew up with parents who married young and stayed together happily, then young marriage is presented as an absolute truth. If your parents married young and then split up, or stayed together but were unhappy, you are aware that there are alternatives. Prince William, of course, would fall into the latter category.
Prince William’s undergraduate, adolescent relationship was unlikely ever to metamorphose into the lasting love essential to his future happiness as either husband or king.
It is unlikely that he said the fun had gone out of the relationship, but it is almost certain that the stage of lust had passed. It has been thought for at least 50 years, probably longer, that there are three stages of lasting love, all of which are true love and all equally desirable.
In the first year or two of an intimate relationship lust is the overwhelming emotion. It is undeniably fun but it fades into the equally important and enjoyable stage of acceptance — now sometimes called nesting — in which sex and jolly parties are of secondary importance and shared interests and the setting and attaining of goals becomes the cement that holds the structure of the relationship together.
After eight or nine years, the nature of the relationship changes again and it becomes based on firm friendship. This psychologist’s theory is now given credence by the changes in the functional MRI brain scans that can be seen to accompany each stage of marital love.
If a marriage is to have a chance of surviving, there must be an opportunity for the stage of lust to move to the stage of acceptance. This is an unlikely sequel for most undergraduate loves, impossible if during the stage of acceptance the would-be bridegroom also has to become wedded to the Army, and bedded down as a young officer into his regiment rather than with a fiancée.
As the past two years have clearly demonstrated, the Army still needs the essentially British devotion to a regiment as its essential basis.
Recently Prince William will have grown through his lustful stage; the fun, as he puts it, will be waning, but his and Kate Middleton’s chances of sharing enough mutual ambitions and pleasures, interests and goals to move to stage two haven’t the environment to survive. Although it was odds-on that they would separate and remain friends, the all-seeing functional MRI scan shows that there is no going back to the unquestioning early love and lust.
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