Announcement

**Nutcase** · 11-06-2006, 01:51 PM

"You read about all these terrorists, most of them
came here legally, but they hung around on these
expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now,
compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late
with a video and these people are all over you. Let's
put Blockbuster in charge of immigration."
-- Jay Leno

"What we know about Osama bin Laden is this -- he's
worth $300 million, he has five wives and 26 kids ...
and he hates Americans for their 'excessive'
lifestyle."
-- David Letterman

"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing
bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it
couldn't hurt."
-- Jay Leno

"More and more details coming out now about spoiled
rich kid Osama bin Laden. Time reports this week he
was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted. This guy
inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded
it to $300 million through construction, smart
investments and gas and oil investments. This way, he
can use the money in his war against capitalism."
-- Jay Leno

"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden.
You know, he never sleeps in the same place two
nights in a row--just like Clinton."
-- Jay Leno

"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth
$300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole
Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money,
he'll be dead in a week."
-- Jay Leno

"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50
brothers and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me
because I had no idea he was Catholic"
-- Conan O'Brien

"One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands
of men who look forward to death like Americans look
forward to living, which is great because we can
arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll
continue living."
-- Jay Leno

"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As
usual, we're number three."
-- David Letterman

"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to
be people in this town couldn't wait to get an
envelope full of white powder."
-- Jay Leno

"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the
networks are a how-to manual for terrorists. You see
them on the news. This reporter is standing outside a
water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the
poison here it could wipe out thousands because the
guard is off duty from noon until 1 every day!'"
-- Jay Leno

"Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning
that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of
laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax.
Oh, good timing! What genius came up with this
promotion? What's next? A ticking alarm clock? Let's
put that in a box."
-- Jay Leno

"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any
letters or packages that have badly misspelled words.
Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap
industry."
-- Jay Leno

"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky
Fried Chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters
mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking
U.S. military official Colonel Sanders."
-- Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's Weekend
Update

"Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode of West
Wing, it makes a direct reference to what happened in
New York City. The exact plot is being kept top
secret. We are the only country in the world where we
put our battle plans on CNN, but the plots to our TV
shows are top secret."
-- Jay Leno

"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go
over there to talk with the Taliban; apparently they
were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad."
-- Jay Leno

"Now this really annoys me: All these people getting
on the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this.
If Nostradamus were alive today his name would be Miss
Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute."
-- Jay Leno

"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at
the airport, but let's be honest. If your first name
is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, arrive at
the airport extra early."
-- Jay Leno

**Nutcase** · 11-06-2006, 01:53 PM

Subject: Reducing Diet

A fellow was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs due to very serious health
risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an
ad
in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
Guaranteed like hell, he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them
up and subscribes to the 3 day/10 pound weight loss program. The
next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands
before him a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful 19 year old woman dressed in
nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She
introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing
and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they
are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, I like the way this
company does business!!

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.
On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10
pounds as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders their 5 day/20 pound program. The next
day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but
Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads "If you catch me,
you can have me."

He's out the door like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes
him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramped
wheeze.
She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same
routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself
and finds he has lost another 20 pounds as promised. He decides to go for
broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound program.
Are you sure? Asks the representative on the phone. This is our most
rigorous program.

Absolutely he replies, I haven't felt this good in years.

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds
Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a
sign around his neck that reads "If I catch you, I can have you!

**Sepideh_UK** · 11-06-2006, 01:54 PM

Intresting...
Cheerz.

**Nutcase** · 11-06-2006, 02:22 PM

u'r welcome aziz

this is a bit outdated but still humorous:

Conversation between George W. and his National Security Advisor, Condolezza Rice

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China.

And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

**siavash_Sa2** · 11-06-2006, 05:36 PM

coooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool

**Parinaz_M** · 11-09-2006, 07:59 AM

oh this stuff is so funnyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

**Nutcase** · 11-13-2006, 03:23 PM

[ame="http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8907488222267286059"]When come santa[/ame]

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http://stupidvideos.com/video/animals/Barking_Cat/

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http://stupidvideos.com/video/just_plain_stupid/LordoftheRingsOrgy/

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xo47pNutFV0[/ame]

**Nutcase** · 11-20-2006, 08:08 PM

the video is from comedy central "wetback mountain"

Attached Files

**donsaeid** · 11-21-2006, 09:08 AM

thanx alot nooshin! extremly funny stuff

**Nutcase** · 12-15-2006, 07:57 PM

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bM3hNMUAs3k[/ame]

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDtsa7spPNQ"]YouTube - fc[/ame]

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tok6eWrkhqs"]YouTube - fc[/ame]

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http://www.youtube.com/watch_fullscreen?video_id=s-WRjGzVrG4&l=405&t=OEgsToPDskLW7PnHmjY9EruuH-VvJpsf&fs=1&title=Frank%20Caliendo