RedWine jokes (18+)

[Rasputin]

. Men are like Laxatives ... They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders ... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[Rasputin]

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

6. A dog's parents never visit.

7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

10. Dogs seldom outlive you.

11. Dogs can't talk.

12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. (thanks craigslist...)

18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.

19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.

25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.

And, last but not least:
26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

[Rasputin]

PMS stands for...

14) Pass My Shotgun

13) Psychotic Mood Shift

12) Perpetual Munching Spree

11) Puffy Mid-Section

10) People Make Me Sick

9) Provide Me with Sweets

Pardon My Sobbing

7) Pimples May Surface

6) Pass My Sweat Pants

5) Pissy Mood Syndrome


4) Plainly ... Men Suck

3) Pack My Stuff

2) Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

And the number (1) is ...

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this damn house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even care that the stupid bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to FIND the light bulbs despite the fact they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID DAMN BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE STUPID GARBAGE! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS STUPID HOUSE! I'm sorry ... what did you ask me?

[Rasputin]

Drinking test



Difficult to Say When You're Drunk

-- Indubitably
-- Innovative
-- Preliminary
-- Proliferation
-- Cinnamon

Very Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

-- Specificity
-- "Cogito ergo sum."
-- British Constitution
-- Passive-aggressive disorder
-- Loquacious
-- Transubstantiate

Downright Impossible to Say When You're Drunk:

-- Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
-- Nope, no more booze for me!
-- Sorry, but you're not really my type.
-- Good evening, Officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight.
-- Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing!

[Rasputin]

This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. It was passed on by a linguist, original author unknown. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
1 After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"

Honorable mention that if pro is the opposite of con why isn't progress the opposite of congress.

[Rasputin]

"Who's calling?" was the answer to the telephone.

"Watt."

"What is your name, please?"

"Watt's my name."

"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"

"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."

A long pause, and then from Watt, "Is this James Brown?"

"No, this is Knott."

"Please tell me your name."

"Will Knott."

"Why not?"

"Huh? What do you mean why not?"

"Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?"

"But I told you my name!"

"Didn't you say you will not?"

"Not not, knott, Will Knott!"

"That's what I mean."

"So you know my name."

"Of course not!"

"Good. So now, what is yours?"

"Watt. Yours?"

"Your name!"

"Watt's my name."

"How the hell do I know? I am asking you!"

"Look I have been very patient and I have told you my name and you have not even told me yours yet."

"You have been patient, what about me? I have told you my name so many times and it is you who have not told me yours yet."

"Of course not!"

"See, you even know my name!"

"Of course not!"

"Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?"

"Because I don't."

[Pause]

"What is your name?"

"See, you know my name!"

"Of course not!"

"Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?"

"To find out your name!"

"But you already know it!"

"What?"

"See, and you know mine!"

"Of course not!"

"Exactly!"

NOW THEY ARE AT A POINT WHERE BOTH THINK THE OTHER KNOWS THEIR NAME, BUT THEY THEMSELVES DON'T KNOW THE OTHER'S NAME.

"Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name is, what will be our answer?"

"Watt's my name."

"No, no, give me only one word."

"Watt."

"Your name!"

"Right!"

[pause before it hits him]

"Oh, Wright!"

"Yeah!"

"So why didn't you say it before?"

"I told you so many times!"

"You never said Wright before."

"Of course I did."

"Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?"

"I do not."

"Well, there you go, now we know each other's name."

"I do not!"

"Good!"

[pause before it hits him]

"Oh, Guud!"

"Good."

"No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?"

"No, it's Knott!"

"Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now Guud."

"Yes Wright."

NOW THEY BOTH THINK THEY KNOW EACH OTHER'S NAME AS WELL!

[Rasputin]

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

-- Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
-- Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
-- Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
-- Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
-- Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
-- Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
-- Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
-- Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)
-- Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
-- Glibido: All talk and no action.
-- Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

And, the pick of the literature:
-- Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.

[Rasputin]

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Avoid the scale at all costs.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).

11. Shave armpits & legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet scalds you and you lose water pressure.

13. Turn off the shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry yourself with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown & towel on head.

18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



How to shower like a man
=================

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo woo sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror & suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (you don't). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ***.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).

6. Wash your face.

7. Wash your armpits.

8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.

9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding areas.

11. Wash your butt leaving those coarse butt hairs on soap bar.

12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.

15. Pee in the shower.

16. Rinse off & get out of the shower. Partially dry off.

17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire wiener size again.

18. Leave shower door open and wet bath mat on the floor.

19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the woo woo sound again.

21. Throw wet towel on the bed.

[Rasputin]

According to John Gray, Ph.D. Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, men and women approach even the most basic things from completely different angles. Some examples:

MONEY:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOM:

The typical man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush, comb, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS:

A woman has the last word in EVERY argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but does she ever.

DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

APPEARANCE:

Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

CHILDREN:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments adn romances, best friends favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

[Rasputin]

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't Figure out what the letters stood\ for... It is about time you became informed!

{A} - Almost boobs...
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{F} - Fake!

[Rasputin]

If you are still shaken by the horrifying scenes of September 11, please observe a moment of silence for the over 3,000 civilian lives lost in the New York, Washington, DC and Pennsylvania attacks.

While we're at it, let's have 13 minutes of silence for the 130,000 Iraqi civilians killed in 1991 by order of President Bush Sr. Take another moment to remember how Americans celebrated and cheered in the streets.

Now another 20 minutes of silence for the 200,000 Iranians killed by Iraqi soldiers using weapons and money provided to young Saddam Hussein by the American government before the great eagle turned all its power against Iraq when Hussein rebelled.

Another 15 minutes of silence for the Russians and 150,000 Afghans killed by troupes supported and trained by the CIA.

Plus 10 minutes of silence for 300,000 Japanese killed in Hiroshima and Nagasaki by the Atomic bombs dropped by the USA.

We've just kept quiet for one hour: one minute for the Americans killed in NY, DC, and Pennsylvania, 59 minutes for their victims throughout the world.

If you are still in awe, let's have another hour of silence for all those killed in Vietnam, which is not something Americans like to admit. The US went to another continent thousands of miles away and burnt tens of thousands of Vietnamese peasants with napalm.

Or for the massacre in Panama in 1989, where American troops attacked poor villagers, leaving 20,000 Panamanians homeless and thousands more dead.

Or for the millions of children who have died because of the USA embargoes on Iraq and Cuba.

Or the hundreds of thousands brutally murdered throughout the world by US-sponsored civil wars and coups d'etat (Chile, Argentina, Uruguay, Bolivia, Guatemala, El Salvador to name a few).

Maybe, and although the memory of Americans claims otherwise, someone may remember the USA attack on Baghdad where 18,000 civilians were killed. Did someone see it on CNN? Was justice ever served? Or was there even any retaliation?

We hope that Americans finally begin to understand their vulnerability and the attacks and other tragedies that they have caused around the world.

The dead in other places hurt as much as the dead of the Towers!

What about the 560,000 Iraqi children (as per current UN data) who have died as a direct cause of the US supported sanctions against Iraq? Are these the children of a lesser God?

What about a new generation of nearly one million Iraqi children who are currently having their lives being ruined by improper nutrition, lack of medicine and inferior education because of US supported sanctions.

Now, let's talk about terrorism, shall we?

[Rasputin]

A different kind of Jihad

BI - ISM ' ALLAAH AR - RAH.MAAN AR - RAH.EM

JIHAD JIHAD JIHAD JIHAD

WE INVITE ALL THE MUSLIM'S IN THE NAME OF ALMIGHTY ALLAH FOR JIHAD AGAINST THE BIGGEST ENEMY OF MUSLIM SOCIETY IN INDIA THAT IS POORTY, DIEASES AND ILLITERACY. WHICH MADE FOLLOWERS OF GREAT ISLAM BECOME DOWN TRODDEN ALOOF, HELPLESS AND TARGETED GROUP.

MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS THEY ARE LOOKING TOWARDS YOU WITH GREAT HOPE HELP THEM TO CREATE A STRONG ISLAMIC SOCIETY.

ISALM A RELIGION OF MERCY

THE PROPHET MUHAMMAD CLASSIFIED MURDER AS A MAJOR SIN AND WARNED FOR THE DAY OF JUDGMENT.

MARIAM CHARITABLE FOUNDATION AKOLA
REGISTERED NO - E - 462 AKL INDIA

OUR MISSION

1- PROVIDING FREE MODERN MEDICAL FACILITY TO POORS, RIGHT VICTIMS AND PROTECTION OF TARGETED GROUP WITH HUMAN RIGHT AND SOCIOECONOMIC RIGHT .

2- TO MAKE RURAL MUSLIM SOCIETY LITERATE BY OPENING FREE SCHOOL'S AND UNIVERSITIES IN THEIR VILLAGES.

3- TO HELP POOR STUDENTS BY PROVIDING SCHOLARSHIPS

4- TO GUIDE THEM FOR JOB AND BUSNESS ASSPECTS FOR THEIR SOCIAL ECONOMICAL UPLIFTMENT.

5- TO CREATE AWARENESS AND WORK FOR NATURAL ENVOIRNMENTAL PROJECTS SUCH AS 1, WATER CONSERVATION 2, AFFORESTATION 3, ENVOIRNMENTEL POLLUTION

4, ANTI HUNTING CAMPANING OF ENDANGERD SPECIES AND THEIR IMPORTANCES IN NATURE .

6- MADICAL FACILLITY AND PROPAGANDA AGAINST H.I.V AND ITS PREVENTIONS .

7- RHABILITATION PROGRAME FOR DIVORCED WOMEN'S WITH
FREE HOSTELE .

WE REOUIRE FOLLOWING EQUIPMENTS-

1- HEMODIALYSIS UNIT

2- DOPPLER ULTRASOUND SCAN

3- BONE DENSITOMETRY


4- COLPOSCOPE


5- SONOGRAPHY UNIT

6- PORTABLE X RAY UNIT AND SPIROMETRY .

FOR THIS PUROSE WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT SO WE GIVE THEM SERVICES IN THE LIGHT OF MIGHTY ISLAM.SEND EOUIPMENTS OR DEMAND DRAFT, CHEQUE IN FAVOR OF -

MARIAM CHARITABLE FOUNDATION AKOLA

PAYBLE AT - STATE BANK OF INDIA TREASURY BRANCH CODE 8020 AKOLA .

ADDRESS:

MARIAM CHARITABLE FOUNDATION AKOLA
FLAT NO - 10, NAVNEET APARTMENT
TOUSHNIWAL LAY - OUT
AKOLA - 444001 [M.S] INDIA

[Rasputin]

A man's viewpoint on relationships

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion.

So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In University I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.

Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 21 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 25 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.

She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met.

She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 28, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.

She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 30 and am looking for a girl with big tits.

[jsmith]

kheili khande dare...dobare ham ke khoondam bazam khandam gereft...

[Rasputin]

دلیل گوز:
هوای بلعیده شده هنگام خوردن و نوشیدن، گاز جذب شده از خون توسط دیواره روده، گاز حاصل ازواکنشهای شیمیایی روده و گاز تولیدی در اثر فعالیتهای باکتریهای روده.

ساختار گوز:
ساختار دقیق گوز در افراد مختلف و در اوقات مختلف بر مبنای غذای فرد متفاوت است. قسمت اعظم هوای بلعیده شده اکسیژن است که قبل از رسیدن به روده جذب بدن می شود و فقط نیتروژن باقی می ماند. بقیه هم شامل دی اکسید کربن، هیدروژن و متان است. هر چه باد بیشتر در روده نگه داشته شود، میزان نیتروژن آن بیشتر می شود چون بقیه امکان جذب دوباره به بدن را دارند. در ضمن افراد عصبی و عجول اکسیژن بیشتری در روده دارند.

بوی گوز:
بوی حاصل از گوز بیشتر به خاطر ترکیبات گوگردی مثل سولفید هیدروژن است. غذاهایی چون کلم، تخم مرغ و گوشت بوزا هستند ولی لوبیا بطور اخص بوی شدید ندارد ولی حجم گاز را خیلی زیاد می کند.

صدای گوز:
صدای گوز حاصل ارتعاشات دهانه مقعد هنگام خروج گاز است. نوع و شدت صدا بستگی به شتاب گاز و تنگی ماهیچه اسفنکتر مقعد دارد.

چرا چس گرم و کم صدا است در حالیکه گوز پرصدا و کم بو است؟
گوز بیشتر حاصل بلعیدن هواست و حجیم است. برای همین هم صدای بیشتری دارد در حالیکه چس حاصل فعالیتهای باکتریهای روده است که گازهای گوگردی تولید می کنند و در اثر این واکنشها حرارت هم ایجاد می شود ولی این گازها کم حجم ترهستند و به همین دلیل کم صداترند.

یک فرد عادی در روز چقدر می گوزد؟
به طور متوسط، هر فرد روزانه نیم لیتر گوز تولید می کند و 14 مرتبه در روز می گوزد.

آیا ممکن است کسی اصلا نگوزد؟
خیر! همه می گوزند. حتی مرده ها تا چند ساعت پس از مرگ ممکن است بگوزند (بخاطر گازهای جمع شده در روده قبل از مرگ).

آیا مردها بیشتر از زنها می گوزند؟
خیر! تفاوت در میزان گوز بستگی به جنسیت ندارد و بیشتر مربوط به عادات غذاخوردن و بلعیدن هوا و ژنتیک است. اما مردها آزادانهتر از زنها می گوزند و زنها در این مورد بخاطر قواعد اجتماعی بیشتر خودداری و مخفی کاری می کنند.

احتمال گوزیدن در چه وقت از روز بیشتر است؟
صبح اول وقت بعد از بیداری

چرا حبوبات گاز تولید می کنند؟
حبوبات حاوی چند نوع قند هستند که برای انسان قابل هضم نیست و وقتی این قندها به روده می رسد، باکتریهای روده جشن می گیرند و حسابی گاز تولید می کنند. بقیه غذاهای گاز ساز عبارتند از: فلفل دلمه ای، کلم سنگ، کلم پیچ، شیر، نان، تخم مرغ، آبجو، و کشمش.

چه کارهای دیگری باعث تولید گاز می شود؟
بلعیدن تند غذا و آب (درمان: جویدن با دهان بسته و آرام غذا خوردن)، آدامس جویدن، سیگار، لیسک و آب نبات، نوشابه های گازدار، صعود در هواپیما (بخاطر افت فشار) و عصبی بودن.

آیا نگه داشتن گوز ضرر دارد؟
در این مورد نظرات متفاوت است. قدیمی ها معتقد بودند که ضرر دارد. کلادیوس، امپراطور روم، به خاطر حفظ سلامت عمومی، گوزیدن در جشنهای دربار را آزاد کرده بود. اما دکترهای امروزی می گویند که خودداری ضرری ندارد. فقط فشار گاز ممکن است باعث دل درد شود. بعضی دکترها هم اعتقاد دارند که خودداری مداوم در دراز مدت باعث گشادی و ورم مزمن دیواره روده می شود.

تا چه مدت می شود گوز نداد؟
گوز به محض اینکه فرصت پیدا کند و ماهیچه تان را شل کنید فرار می کند. حتی اگر تمام روز هم خودتان را کنترل کنید، بعد از خواب رها می شود. باور ندارید یک شب در پروازهای بین قاره ای در هواپیما نخوابید و به دقت گوش کنید ببینید چه می شنوید.

آیا همه در خواب می گوزند؟
خیر! اکثر مردم از کودکی یاد می گیرند که در خواب دریچه (اسفنکتر) مقعد را کنترل کنند و به همین خاطر هم صبحها بعد از بیداری می گوزند ولی اکثر کساتی که در طول روز خودداری می کنند، در خواب ناخودآگاه می گوزند. حتما متوجه شده اید که گاهی اوفات اگر خودتان را کنترل کنید گوز برطرف می شود. این موقتی است چون باد به قسمتهای داخلی روده مهاجرت می کند و جذب نمی شود بلکه بعدا با قدرت بیشتری هجوم می آورد.

بهترین را برای رد گوز گم کردن چیست؟
یک شرکت آمریکایی به نام fartypants هست که گوزقنداق می فروشد: چیزی شبیه به نوار بهداشتی که در داخل شلوار قرار می گیرد و بوی چس و کمی از صدای آن را به خود جذب می کند. ولی اگر از این چیزها ندارید، از روشهای سنتی استفاده کنید. مثلا اگر در جمع هستید خیلی طبیعی رفتار کنید، انگار نه انگار چیزی شده و اگر صدایش بلند بود با سرعت برگردید و با تعجب به نفر بغل دستی یا پشت سری خودتان نگاه کنید.

آیا واقعا گوز با کبریت شعله ور می شود؟
بله! باور ندارید امتحان کنید. فقط مواظب باشید که کار خطرناکی است. بنا به آمار، یک چهارم کسانی که این کار را کرده اند کونشان را سوزانده اند چون شعله به سمت مقعد پس می زند. در ضمن امکان آتش گرفتن لباس و چیزهای دیگر دور و بر هم هست. همانطور که قبلا ذکر شد، گوز حاوی گازهای متان و هیدروژن است که هر دو گاز شدیدا اشتعال پذیر هستند. رنگ شعله حاصله آبی (متان) یا زرد (هیدروژن) است.

آیا تا بحال کسی از راه گوزیدن امرار معاش کرده است؟
بله! معروفترین گوزوی جهان یک فرانسوی است بنام لوپتومین (تصویر پائین) که در اوایل قرن 20 نمایش اجرا می کرد. این آقای هنرمند می توانست با مقعد آب هورت بکشد. در نمایشها لوپتومین در یک ظرف آب می نشست و تمام آبها را از مقعد بالا می کشید و بعد مثل شلنگ آتش نشانی با قدرت بیرون می پاشید. کار دیگرش این بود که هوا را از مقعد به درون می کشید و بعد به صورت موزیکال بیرون می داد و یا صدای پرنده ها و حیوانات دیگر را در می آورد. این هم یک قطعه از سمفونی یک هنرمند امروزی که سی دی هایش را روی اینترنت می فروشد: موزیک گوز.

چند نکته دیگر:
1- بوی چس حیوانات گوشتخوار مثل سگ و گربه خیلی بد است.
2- سگها از بوی چس آدم خوششان می آید و برای همین دنبال سر آدمهایی که چسیده اند راه می افتند تا لذت ببرند.
3- قهرمان گوز در میان حیوانات موریانه است (بخاطر رژیم چوب) و به گفته دانشمندان به خاطر بالا بودن تعداد این حشرات، گوز موریانه ها یکی از عوامل تاثیرگذار بر گرم شدن جو زمین است.
4- گاز متان حاصل ازگوز و آروغ گاوها و گوسفندان (و سایر نشخوارکنندگان) هم از عوامل گرمازا و آلوده کننده جو زمین است. برای همین دانشمندان ژنتیک نیوزیلند مشغول یافتن راهی برای تولید گاو و گوسفندهایی هستند که متان تولید نکنند. گوز نشخوار کنندگان بی بو است ولی نسبت به انسان بسیار پر صداتر و طولانی تر است.
5- اگر در یک محیط کوچک و سربسته (مثل آسانسور یا زیر لحاف) زیاد بچسید، ممکن است دچار سرگیجه شوید (بخاطر کمبود اکسیژن و بالا بودن میزان گازهایی مثل متان و دی اکسید کربن) ولی مطمئن باشید خفه نخواهید شد